#I’m just using my own experience as a lesbian to interpret these songs

[feminist-cult-following]

top 10 most lesbian taylor swift songs as decided by me, a raging lesbian

1. betty — starting off with the most obvious choice. taylor can write from a male perspective all she wants but it’ll always be a lesbian perspective to me

2. ivy — she was possessed by the ghost of emily Dickinson when she wrote this okay there’s no way the subject of this song is a man

3. lavender haze — need I say more?

4. dorothea — this one is for the girlies that never fully got over that one homoerotic friendship in high school

5. I can see you — there’s something so sapphic about this song. the forbidden relationship, the will-they-won’t-they vibe. it also helps that I could never personally feel like this about a man

6. dress — “I don’t want you like a best friend” case closed

7. down bad — the comparison between the relationship and an alien invasion is so so so lesbian. it’s that one life altering relationship that changes you forever, the first real love that helps you come into who you are and then leaves you destroyed when it’s over

8. guilty as sin? — despite using he/him/his pronouns this song is so undeniably lesbian coded. the religious imagery? the forbidden love? the insane yearning? god bless the lesbian ghost that possesses taylor every once in a while

9. question…? — I’ll defend this songs appearance on this list with my life. “politics and gender roles” was enough for me

10. the bolter — this is for the girls who dated men before coming out and always found themselves sabotaging the relationship for reasons they couldn’t quite ascertain

[poopylumpkins]

I finally watched this movie, it hit me so hard.

I’d been listening to the soundtrack for a while, as a bad habit, I tend to listen to movie soundtracks before watching the source material—and I’m really into Yeule’s music—so I discovered the movie thru the release of their featured song in the movie.

I finally gave it a chance and, wow.

Huge tangent under the cut <3

I’m nonbinary. I’m afab. This movie resonated with me so much.

Making this discovery was a hard one, it was like I’d opened Pandora’s Box.

One of my other (dearest) friends had come out as nb when we were younger and it scared me, it was something I was aware of but pushed away in fear of discovery. Same with my lesbian identity. But the TV kept glowing, I wouldn’t lose them over my own cowardice. Eventually I realized I was lesbian, I’d realized I was trans.

Sometimes I feel connected to womanhood, to my femininity.

For the sake of others, I sacrifice my otherness for their comfort. I go by all pronouns because I’m afraid of dropping “she” from everyone else’s mind. I go by they/she in public spaces where I feel safe enough to do so, but at home, I’m still just a woman, I’m still “her”. Only that.

And it’s difficult reconciling this when I do dress femininely, when I let my friends call me woman. Even when I do that to myself, because I am, paradoxically, as I am not. I don’t know, gender is hard. I present as a woman to a lot of people, so I have experiences socialized as such.

Not to tote any weird superiority complexes, but I like the way God is described in the bible. “I am that I am.” The image of everyone, man, woman, otherwise, all simultaneously.

I feel maybe it’s like that for me, with womanhood. I am woman, I am something else. I like masculine terms for myself sometimes. Sometimes it feels like an empty space. Like [Owen] described it on the bleachers to [Maddy]. I severely hate overly gendered conversation. As a transmasc person, I do like dude and bro but yk even that gets tiresome.

“Yes, Girl.”

“Queen.”

“Miss.”

Only my closest friends call me by “they/them” pronouns, even then, I let it slip when they don’t get it right. But they know me for who I am beyond the screen, and I do just go by any pronouns. But we’re also just used to pushing that away in the eyes of others who don’t see the screen glowing.

In I Saw The TV Glow, Owen and Isabel are parallels to each other (because they are one and the same), they’re both too cowardly for confrontation, Isabel realizes she’s dying [as Owen] and apologizes for the sake of others’ comfort, at the end of the movie, at the outburst her realization causes.

The ending is left up to interpretation, whether she buries herself in the ground with Tara, or she continues to die, living a life as someone fake.

I like to remain hopeful, optimistic. Though, “there is still time,” might read as a warning—you still have time, but it will run out eventually—I see it as a message of hope for those of us who can’t explore our gender identities as freely as others. An eventuality.

During the wire breakage scene, where [Owen] finds herself stopped in the road—where she finds the burning papers of the episode guides, she reads “S06:e01” I like to think that that is where the movie ends and her true life begins. She does break out of the midnight realm.

She doesn’t continue to cower away, though she is wont to do. She opened her chest up and saw her missing heart, saw the “Pink Opaque,” and ran back to Tara, leaving this world behind, and saving face with her apologies.

..

This movie also filled me with existential dread.

When [Owen] watched the finale’s tape, when she launched her head into the tv and mourned the fact that her father wasn’t really her father—a foreboding, looming figure representing prominent patriarchal ideals—when she told us about how it was “time to become a real man,” when her father died, further burying herself into this life that wasn’t hers with a family that wasn’t either—it was terrifying.

We never see that family she had onscreen, and the mention of them makes [Owen] look so defeated. She watches the “Pink Opaque” again and it isn’t as she remembers. Just as Mr. Melancholy said would happen.

“Soon you won’t even remember that you’re dying.”

Whole movie was such a harrowing, representative experience. I sobbed. I mourned. It was like mourning for a past me, for the parts of myself that must stay hidden, for covering the screen.

And the fact that Tara was relatively butch in her real life, but was an awkward girl experimenting with her feminine expression up until she realized she had to escape in the Midnight Realm. I felt connection to her expression as much as I did Isabel’s egg crack.

They were so lesbians for each other, too, be it in a qpp sense or in another way.

…

Here I am listening to the OST again, replaying Yeule’s cover of “Anthems for a 17-year-old Girl,” on my 20th birthday (oh yeah that’s today) and just.. feeling such a frenzy of emotions.

Ultimately, just—

There will still be time. You’ll bury the you that isn’t authentic in the ground and rise as your truest form eventually. There will always be eventually. There will always be you..

I will be there waiting for me.

But I know that's not true. That's just fantasy. Kid's stuff.

I SAW THE TV GLOW (2024) dir. Jane Schoenbrun

[keepingsecretstokeepyoutk]

(Warning:this will be a serious, downer, post. And of course this is all hypothetical, my interpretation, etc.)

This week, with all of the attention that All To Well has generated (very well deserved attention and accolades) I’ve been thinking a lot about the speculation that if Taylor came out, it would be fine, no one would care (a sentiment even many Kaylors have expressed in recent months).

It’s hard to believe that after all of the ways that the gp and media have managed to twist her into a villain, that they wouldn’t find a way to do it with this too. But aside from the gp, her haters, and the media, I think the biggest concern by far, would be the reaction of her fans (or a good portion at least).

Taylor is known for having such a close relationship with her fans, not just because of her secret sessions or her paying for fans medical bills, tuition, showing up at weddings, sending Christmas gifts, etc. But also because her music has raised them. And as many have spoken about, especially recently with the rereleases, her music has given teen and young women a voice that we’ve never had prior. She has been so unapologetic with her emotions and female experiences while growing up, that it has made us feel unabashed about embracing our own. It has been a big part of many of our journeys in unlearning the misogyny we unavoidably internalized while being raised in this world.

A big part of that being-raised-female experience, for straight and bi women, is dating men, and the way that patriarchy and misogyny shapes those experiences with love and sex and dating. This is why It’s been on my mind. The response to All Too Well’s film and new lyrics, etc, has been intense. The narrative shown has been deeply, deeply cathartic, validating, and arguably a spiritual experience for so many women who have been through a relationship like the one that has been portrayed by the public narrative of the song.

Personally I think this is a beautiful silver lining of her being closeted at this time: that she can essentially be an “ally” to opposite-sex attracted women, and create art (most likely inspired by seeing these kinds of abusive relationships play out around her in the entertainment industry, and being a support and witness for her friends, etc) that gives voice to a deeply young-woman experience, just as she always has. And I would hope that her other fans could come to see it this way, that she made lemonade out of her glass closet. That her connection with her fans, even when perceived as being deepened by false narratives that she didn’t immediately disavow, has always been genuine and only ever grown out of her love for every single one of us and out of a deep longing to sit in our pain with us, even if it wasn’t exactly her pain.

But I’m worried that not everyone will see it that way.

I’ve always thought that the way the gp and media and fans would react to her coming out would be calling her a liar, that they would exclaim betrayal, paint her as deceitful and fake and emotionally manipulative of her fans who so deeply connected to her break up songs that were supposedly about men.

And that was before this week.

Assuming that JG is indeed a beard (not a real relationship amongst other beards), if that were to be revealed, the emotional reaction from the women who have found healing and solace and validation in that film and that song, is going to be strong. And I would imagine that many of them would feel betrayed, and since it would be a lot of people, that anger could easily whip itself into a frenzy that resulted in a public back lash as strong as the last dark days.

(She knows this. That’s why she wrote mirror ball — about being all different versions of herself, to please all the different people who NEED her to be something specific to them.)

Meanwhile, the conservative parents of girls who went to her secret sessions will be panicking that their daughters were alone with a lesbian. The GP will be saying she had no right to be upset about the way the media talked about her dating history when she fabricated it all anyways. For money. They’ll call her greedy and manipulative and now they’ll think they have proof of her “playing the victim” because she and JG “never even dated!” She’ll be painted again as a snake.

They won’t see her all too well rerelease as her way of giving her fans the catharsis and the validation and the representation that they deserved as women who often have their emotional experiences dismissed. That she cast Sadie and Dylan to a responsible role model, to undo the romanticization of age gap relationships that her songs and bearding stunts may have unintentionally contributed to in the past. They won’t think to see it as similar to the song Happiness - and emotionally deep and intense song informed by seeing her friends go through something that she hasn’t experienced but that she can give voice to with her art. That she was essentially being an ally to straight women in a way that she hopes they will be to her.

This is why, it wouldn’t shock me, and I would never judge her, if she never came out. Because more than anything, her fans matter to her. She would never want them to feel betrayed or mislead or disconnected from her and especially from her music, from her lyrics. Her words mean so much to so many people. And she may never be able or willing to risk that.

(Of course, she could come out as bi or unlabeled and say not a single thing about her songs that have been attributed more heavily to men, and maybe that would go ok, and maybe she would be very happy with that. I hope that could work for her. But people I’m assuming would still speculate on which bfs were real and which weren’t, which rumored female lovers were more than just rumors etc, and that may spark some of the same discussions as above. And besides, I just have a feeling that if Taylor was going to come out she would commit to making it a move that will pave the way for other closeted entertainers/sportsmen/etc and thus she would want to expose the homophobic higher ups who insist on bearding, hiding your same sex relationships, etc. Otherwise she would feel like it wasn’t enough and wasn’t worth the half truths)

I could literally talk about this forever but yeah, that’s the gist of it.

[lucky-sevens]

on doctor carmilla and her relationship to the mechanisms

welcome to my carmilla analysis post! all her lore is too big a subject to handle in one post, so i’m starting with this more specific one and seeing where it goes!

the main thing i’m going to be talking about here is the fan interpretation of her. i’ve collected all the evidence that supports fanon carmilla*, and i’m going to use it to discuss why fandom interpretation, while it has a basis, could be better done/more accurate to the character. i’m collecting evidence here both to support the fan interpretation and criticize it; this is very much not a discourse post, it’s an analysis post!

*i’m defining this as unnecessary experiments on and/or further abuse of the mechanisms.

(that being said, please don’t make her racist/ableist/homophobic; i’ve seen far too much of that, and it makes me incredibly uncomfortable as she is a disabled japanese lesbian and is also most likely trans. i mostly see this in modern aus, but it’s in ‘canon compliant’ works as well- the largest offender here is the popular headcanon that she forced jonny to change his accent to a british one, which for what i hope are obvious reasons given this section doesn’t sit right with me.)

rest under the cut! warnings for medical trauma, including non-consensual drugging and mind alteration, and discussions of abuse (both from a parental figure and from a significant other). it gets heavy; please stay safe!

first off: this isn’t really on the lore of her backstory, but i will touch upon that occasionally as it’s important to understanding her character! i would really suggest to listening to exhumed and (un)plugged (bandcamp / youtube) and ageha (prototype edition) (bandcamp / youtube) and reading her wiki page to get a grasp of the deeper lore; not necessarily before reading this, but definitely if you’re planning to make her a major character in your work.  

we only have two first-hand sources into carmilla’s interactions with the mechanisms; lashings (part one / part two / transcript) and homesick (video / transcript). in both of those, we see that the mechanisms- or at least jonny and nastya- are very uncomfortable with and/or afraid of her. lashings has a few examples of this, regarding nastya; her tone is noticeably quiet and cold whenever she speaks to carmilla and near the end of the show, carmilla hugs her from behind without warning, making her freeze up. 

homesick is even clearer in this regard- after the song is performed, carmilla and jonny have this exchange, which i’ve copied from the transcript in its entirety as it’s all potentially relevant.

[JONNY] (very, legitimately afraid) ALRIGHT ALRIGHT- Stop stop stop stop stop, whoa whoa whoa okay okay okay- I can’t take it anymore! Are you going to kill us or not? Cause I’m (stuttering)- It’s lovely when we’re playing songs, and it's great. But we shot- well, one of us, shot you out of an airlock, and I wanna know. What are you going to do to us? Other than killing me?

[DOC C] Now is not the time, Jonny, I’m feeling a bit tetchy.

[JONNY] Watch it. You’re- you’re planning something. Something. 

[DOC C] Medication time.

[JONNY] Yes-- (cutoff)

the video ends here. the lines at the end are most likely a leadup to the song welcome to medi bay co, but given carmilla’s tone in the recording, it could also be a threat towards him. this implies she has non-consensually drugged him in the past. his conviction that she was going to kill him also suggests that that has happened as well.

from this, we can conclude carmilla’s actions in the common fanon are not out of character, but her motives and thoughts towards the mechanisms could often be considered so. the default motivation for her seems to be to experiment- she’s driven out of boredom or curiosity, and is simply using the mechanisms as test subjects. there are a few cases to directly cite in canon of her experimenting on someone (out of something other than necessity so that they survived)- the first one is from exhumed, and is not in reference to the mechanisms, but instead a clone of herself (x). (i won’t elaborate too much on the post i linked as a source here, but it’s very interesting and i’d suggest giving it a read!)

doesn’t fit too much here, but you know what does?

Highly amused by the moral ambiguity of the events leading to his supposed demise – where both Brian and the priest believed themselves to have the moral high ground, she rebuilt Brian with a slight modification – an inbuilt morality core, with two settings.

brian’s switch. the bio straight-up says she made it out of amusement, which is a huge issue as anyone can flip it (except brian himself; don’t have the source on hand, but there was a post a while back that mentioned it was on the small of his back, which he can’t reach) and it changes his entire mindset!

however! this is the only case of something like this happening!

maki has said that carmilla cared for the mechanisms, and considered them her adopted children. while the evidence i’ve noted earlier almost becomes worse with that knowledge, it’s a different mindset than test subjects.

this is getting into a bit more of personal thoughts/headcanons, but we know carmilla had a lot of trouble with healthy relationships, including familial ones. she could wholeheartedly care about the mechanisms, and just not know how to form an actually positive relationship with them. in addition, if you view my personal headcanon that carmilla made loreli into a vampire instead of the other way round, she sure does have a problem with people she’s attached to dying, doesn’t she? she’s more sympathetic in general than she tends to be painted, and she has had good interactions with the mechanisms. (mostly drawing on what maki has said on the mechscord for this- sadly, invites are currently closed).

not elaborating on it too much here, as there’s a lot to unpack vis a vis lore and red stringing, but it’s also likely that carmilla does grow and change and get better as a person- she left the mechanisms most likely of her own volition, as maki has said she ‘didn’t leave via the airlock’, and made an active effort to fix her past mistakes. this is in contrast to the other mechanisms (except possibly brian) who never make any kind of effort to stop being terrible people. (may write a meta/lore explanation on this eventually, but it’s too large a topic to cover here!)

tl;dr: carmilla was abusive towards the mechanisms, but she was more likely to be well-meaning, rather than bored or curious.

[mrs-nate-humphrey]

This is totally cool, lol! That's why I tagged you, I like different perspectives 🥰 and I adore lesbian Jenny

I've been thinking a lot about Jenny's character and sexuality lately since I'm in the middle of rewatching the show. I totally agree that she's attracted to women and most times she pursues guys it's mainly to increase social status and not because of genuine interest. Nate always felt different to me, though. Like, the two times she really pursues him is in season 2, when she's being homeschooled and trying to make it as a designer, and the end of season 3, which is after the whole Damien drama and she's just looking for someone who cares about her and respects her (I know you said once that it doesn't even feel romantic here, which I also agree with, poor girl just needs a connection). I do really see how it can be interrupted as comphet, though. Like she feels like she's supposed to be attracted to Nate because who wouldn't be?

I think the reason why I lean the other way is probably just projection. Jenny's been my favourite GG character since I first watched the show when I was 12, partly because I relate a lot to her, and since I'm bisexual... Add that plus the fact that I totally have had a crush on Nate and of course I'm gonna ship them. I've been relating to Jenny even more this time around cause I dropped out of school this year, so her season 2 arc really hit close to me. So this made my jenate feelings come back tenfold and also made me that much madder at Rufus, lol. I just wanted to go through the screen and shake his shoulders like "There are other paths than the one you want your daughter to have, not everyone has to go through life like society expects you to let your daughter carve out her own unconventional path you fucking idiot!" Luckily my parents have been way more supportive.

Mainly I just see Jenny as bi with a strong lean towards women, but I like to think about lesbian Jenny, too. It wouldn't exactly be the first time I had contradicting headcanons.

I don't know I just think it's really cool that different people can have such different interpretations of the same character. I think that's what's so interesting about fiction, to see how we view things differently depending on how we view and relate to things based on our own experiences. Tumblr can be so focused on hating people who disagree with you, but I like following people with different opinions, it helps me understand people better.

Yeah, I'm glad you tagged me!! back in November, some anons were mean to me about shipping Jenate (me??? who literally does not even - anyway) and ever since then I've been trying extra to ensure that Jenate shippers feel welcome on my blog - you may already know this, because I've brought it up before, but I'm saying it here to let you know that every time you tag me in your Jenate edits I get so happy that you're sharing something you're so passionate about with me!! I'm also a big believer of like........ making the content you want to see (a big part of why I even learnt to gif is because nobody was giffing Dan & Nate, and I was like...... that's the content I need, so if it's not already existing, I'm gonna make it happen!) so regardless of my feelings it's always so cool to see the way you conceptualise JN + their feelings re: each other, and your choice of scenes + lyrics (??? I'm not actually familiar with where you got the words for your edits, they're likely songs I haven't heard, haha) is just so interesting & good!

OH my full Jenny & Nate feelings are a lot more complicated than just comphet on Jenny's part. I feel like..... neither of them was romantically/sexually into each other? and that is kind of the appeal to me? I've always interpreted Nate's interest in Jenny during the s2 arc as sort of like - everything in his life is so unstable and undetermined, and here is Jenny who is so clear on who she is and what she wants, and he admires and respects that, and he wants to be there for her and support her, so when she kisses him he just sort of lets her take their dynamic wherever she wants to? that is very much the vibe I got. You already know how I feel about lesbian Jenny, I mean, you quoted my meta right back at me :'))

but I DO agree with you that Nate is different from the other guys to Jenny. JN have this really specific kind of honesty to them - well, when Jenny wasn't spiralling and trying to get power and acting out, and when the writers actually cared? I still think that NJ had the potential to be a SOLID dynamic but the writers made it sorta unhealthy on the show :(( - but I've spoken abt moments like in seventeen candles and the empire strikes jack before, where they're both able to be emotionally vulnerable around each other in ways we don't see them be with anyone else. I've even compared that to what I like about Derena, whom everyone knows I ship in every possible way, haha. But there's something about characters who trust each other and allow themselves to be honest with each other in ways that they wouldn't otherwise EVER be - especially with characters like Jenny & Nate who have spent so long trying to seem fine and okay even when they're really not.

I honestly really like the idea of queerplatonic Jenate - they're life partners, they're each other's rock, they're each other's person - but it's not romantic OR sexual - and for Nate & Jenny, whose adolescence has involved navigating other people sexualising them so much + not having the best track record with romantic relationships - for them, I feel being qpps gets REALLY interesting, because you get all the perks of a relationship without the romantic/sexual obligations? (obligations isn't the best word, but i don't know what else to use here? LOL) and that's something i love to explore.

I feel like book Jenny was bi! The way she gushed about Nate, whom she canonically had a crush on, and the way she gushed about Serena were EXACTLY the same. Also YES I love multiple headcanons always, it's a lot of fun seeing people explore that!!! I know people who have aroace readings of Jenny, or aro lesbian / ace lesbian readings of her, and I find that really cool, too!

I also definitely get you about relating to Jenny a lot, and feeling that kind of connection. It's similar to how I feel about Dan, and .... explains a lot of my contradicting dair views, actually. A few years ago I had a seriously intense crush on a girl who was... a lot like Blair, in many ways. I spent a ridiculous amount of time writing poetry about her, etc etc, but I never actually acted on it. If she'd fabricated schemes that involved us kissing, though..... I don't know. I don't think I would've denied it if I'd felt like I actually had a chance. I think we just had a case of bad timing, & I like to think in another universe, maybe we were actually together for a bit. I'm glad that your parents are supportive of you and better than Rufus! <3

I think that's what's so interesting about fiction, to see how we view things differently depending on how we view and relate to things based on our own experiences <- THIS exactly! this is a big part of why that "proship" is in my bio. like this is exactly what it means to me and how I conceptualise & understand it!!! Like you, I also like engaging with people who have different understandings and opinions of the characters -> it definitely helps you make new friends you would otherwise not meet by staying in your bubble, & from a fandom point of view, it also helps you develop a more nuanced understanding of a character. Some of the best written Jenny Humphrey I've read was in Jenate fics - and I've had people who don't even ship Blenny tell me they liked the way I wrote Jenny in my post canon blennyfic, so... idk. it's loving Jenny hours - each and every single iteration of Jenny!!!

[unproduciblesmackdown]

lihn asks: 1, 10, 15, 26, 30, 31, 37, 41, 46, 49

thanks for the asks and thanks for creating the ask list in the first place

1) Favorite song(s)? i especially like three failed escape attempts of sheila nail. it does A Lot re: like, introducing a character, but probably the biggest reason it is a fave is b/c It Is A Banger

10) Favorite line(s)? this is a tough one, i've been Thinking on it and there's no immediate standout answer coming to mind for sure......how about "she asked us to, so we did." great stuff

15) A minor character(s) you love? hmm i mean i guess clearly susannah and sheila are the main and next most main characters but from there it's like, is Everyone equally a minor character........well kitty is my favorite of course so i guess that's an easy answer, i also just like immediately enjoyed rat and i wish she had more content even though definitely other girls didn't have a world of Content either

26) Solitary or Masochist? well i think probably solitary Musically, seeing as i def actually remember it more for that reason, but maybe i gotta say masochist b/c a) you know, kitty is the fave, and b) even if i don't remember a ton of details i still enjoyed it and i enjoyed the scene overall a Lot and what role it has in the story / susannah's arc.

30) Scene(s)/concept(s) you would like expanded upon? hmm i do like dorothy and kitty's Thing being like. never really brought to the forefront / made Crucially relevant or anything but it also was not too Apparent at all lmfao although yknow, maybe it was more clear in person. i think i'd like it to have like. at least more Textual implications of the existence of the pairing. s/o to kitty again

31) What you would like changed if another production of the show happens? uhhh i think in its immediate aftermath i was sort of thinking how it's a bit weird that like. sure you can easily take some textual material in lihn and interpret girls as Not Nt informed by that, but clearly the focus is how their response to external societal factors is Pathologized (especially based on their identities, e.g. susannah as a black girl and kitty as a trans girl), and while of course miss asp having this extended breakdown basically over the course of the show lol *is* about her own Attempts To Cope With Society have failed her and are failing her, and she's having Bigger messy reactions as the show goes on as the girls sort of get themselves even more together, it felt like she was being given behaviors that are more like. "cues" that are associated with Mental Disorders like, her thinking the girls could be aliens is sure involved with the Metaphor in that, but from the perspective of her character being fairly earnest in that belief, that's like, More of an interfering Symptom than we've seen from any of the girls........idk like, feels like either her character could become at least Slightly more subtly handled or like, in the same way that the girls are here for different things and yet The Same Thing, it could be made more explicit that one or more of the girls is nd and that Just Might manifest in ways that are seen as going beyond "standard" "weirdness" like yknow. miss asp out here like "yeah she has delusions now" while with the girls it's like. yeah they have "undesirable / inappropriate Behaviors" but, not of that kind

37) Favorite fanmade media related to LIHN?

this fic by soph, this drawing of kitty by al, this drawing of kitty by an artist i know does other nicher iconis-content art, this drawing of kitty talking to susannah by an artist who i know i’ve Appreciated other lihn art from, and your galaxy brain video juxtaposing “i was a teenage delinquent!” with vimh

41) An anecdote about your experience with LIHN? lmao well i don't Personally have any great anecdote i don't think. i watched it along with soph which means i had to keep messaging them like "hang on pause, i'm Buffering again" every 6-13 min or so, and a fun coincidence was that 99% of the time the video paused at a timestamp wherein the Seconds ended in _9. someone else's anecdote: al's story of having gone to an actual lihn performance, having had been made to miss the intended train to the theater and needing to wait for the next one, and ending up sitting right in front of jason sweettooth williams on the ride / getting to make conversation lol. rights

46) Stupidest quote from the NYT review? lmfao fuck you i haven't reread this shit since it came out and it is SO hard to pick a stupidest quote. rereading it now i'm freshly Amazed at how stupid a quote i'd forgotten is. but ofc i Have to go with "...[Susannah]'s very much an everygirl. She is the black child of white adoptive parents, which she knows (ask answer editor's note: "????????? what aspect of this would she Not know"), and a lesbian, which she quickly discovers, but..." like lmaoooo never gets old. alexis soloski, everyone!!!

49) Bruce the Ocelot or Harriet II? well, again, Kitty, and i do like ocelots, they're cool, so: bruce. and it’s a really fun scene where the whole concept is introduced lmao

[oopssasha]

A Fan Theory: Larry Stylinson

Dear Sasha

Because you wouldn’t Elsa and let it go. I’m gonna go all out with this once and for all. Quarantine is honestly killing my mind. So might as well do it now.

In this very long multiple-part essay, I will explain why I believe that Harry and Louis have been together for a decade now.

This is part 1: What got me digging into the pit of Larry Stylinson evidence.

I only got into 1D because Louis’s ‘Walls’ album is AMAZING. So I went back and listened to every single song that Louis was credited as one of the songwriters. Guess what, I noticed things. I’m a nerd who’s into music and lyrics interpretation. And I didn’t live under a rock, so I’ve heard about Larry Stylinson before. I just never looked into it because I was too busy being a Swiftie.

When I started listening to 1D, I hit a jackpot with Perfect. (The only 1D released song that Louis and Harry wrote together without other boys) Because I was such a Swiftie, I recognized Style immediately. Same tempo, same key, same chords, same everything. It’s basically a COLLABORATION. I died. DEAD. Instead of Harry and Taylor holding hands in Central Park for paparazzo, Taylor, Harry, and Louis could have been writing more music together!

Here. Listen to this. Then I dare you to say you don’t want more. Fans of both Taylor and 1D were ROBBED.

I knew that Haylor’s Winter Romance was a PR thing because Taylor did not try to hide the fact that it was a PR thing at all. I actually think she resented that she had to do it to promote an album, instead of letting her music speaks for itself. She’s a GREAT MUSICIAN. I’m sorry. I got a bit too worked up about this. All the drama she went through, especially from 1989-reputation, was really difficult to witness. She called 1989 the depiction of what the media wanted her to be. Then she basically dumped the mainstream media with Reputation. “There will be no explanation. Only reputation.” And her AMA performance was the greatest ever “Bye, Felicia!” to her old recording label. And I just love my dramatic Queen, okay.

Back to Larry Stylinson, I can’t unheard what I did in Perfect. So I started digging into the other side of Haylor. And, oh boy. I thought Taylor was unhappy about it. But Harry and Louis looked downright miserable during this time. So devastated that it hurt my heart. God, no wonder Taylor wrote Out of the Wood. It’s basically a gay anthem. Just listen. “...the rest of the world was black and white, but we were in screaming colors.” The most blatant rainbow reference ever and some people still think this song is about a heterosexual relationship, honestly. I used to think it might’ve been about Kaylor (Karlie Kloss and Taylor Swift) but nuh uh.

Taylor said OOTW was written for the relationship she was in where the biggest feeling in that whole relationship was anxiety. (Will we, won’t we make it?) She emphasized a lot on how ‘just because it was filled with anxiety all the time doesn’t mean that it wasn’t special.’ God, imagine being in her shoes, in a PR relationship, holding hands with a heartbroken boy who isn’t allowed to hold his boyfriend’s hand in public. It broke my heart to pieces. Probably broke Taylor’s, too. (You remember how I wrote another detailed essay on this before, yeah?)

My next stop was music written by Harry and/or Louis, obviously. That’s the playlist you wrote plot bunny about. You could write an entire plot of a romance novel, exclusively from their songs. And damn it, even the songs Harry/Louis wrote for someone else to sing are still obviously their own story. I’m talking about Blackbear’s CHANGES (It’s sad but true, can’t be in love with you = the forced closeting), Ariana Grande’s Just a Little Bit of Your Heart (I know I’m not your only, but at least I’m one. = the bearding), Alex & Sierra’s (You ran your finger down my back and you spelled out your name. = all the times they were hiding their affectionate gestures behind their backs. And other boys’ back. Honestly, they were being sneaky. But it’s something you can’t unsee. And once I saw it, I started seeing everywhere. I’ll give you examples, you’ll see.)

After the music, I arrived at the figurative tattoo parlor. I went there next because Harry and Louis have far too many suspiciously complementary tattoos. (Hi-Oops, Ship-Compass, Anchor-Rope, Heart-Arrow, Rose-Dagger, A Small Cage-Flying Little Birds, Butterfly-‘It Is What It Is’, I can’t change-a blank quotation) Taylor was there when Harry got his ship tattoo, at the same place where Louis got his compass tattoo within the next 24 hours. According to the tattoo artist, Harry said, “We’re always on the road. But my heart is at home and I want a ship.” Meanwhile, instead of pointing toward North like a regular compass, Louis’s compass points to HOME. I absolutely think Taylor wrote I Know Places for them. Again, listen. “Loose lips sink ship all the damn time, not this time.” And do you know what this song reminds me of? 1D’s Something Great. Why? Louis’s lines in Something Great, the last four, completely deviate from the rest of the song. The last four in I Know Places did the same thing.

“You’re all I want”

“They takes their shots but we’re bulletproof”

“So much it’s hurting.”

“And you know for me it’s always you.”

“You’re all I want”

“In the dead of night, your eyes so green”

“So much it’s hurting.”

“And I know for you it’s always me.”

They sounded like a shift in perspective to me. The difference was that in Something Great it was just a melodic line, a plea from one person to another. But in I Know Places, the chorus stayed, as a witness.

Taylor was a Larrie. There. I said it.

When 1D was asked about the stories behind their tattoos, Louis always dodged the question by saying something along the line of, “People always think it has to mean something when it could’ve meant nothing at all. It’s just a tattoo.” But recently on a radio show, he talked about the time a fan asked him to write something on her arm so she could get it tattooed, he asked her what she wanted him to write and she said, “I don’t know!” And Louis’s shook. “To be fair, love. It’s a lot of pressure for me. You’re gonna have this on your body for the rest of your life and you’re just saying to me, ‘Write anything.’ It’s difficult.”

So, the same Louis Tomlinson got several prominent tattoos (a stag, a compass, a dagger) which will be on his body for the rest of his life with absolutely no meanings at all. Quite a few (little birds, quotation marks under his rope) that he couldn’t remember why he got it. The compass was the strangest thing. He seemed to have spent a lot of time looking at it, for something with no meaning behind it at all. And, “It points to home. Isn’t that sweet?”

Boobear, you’re not fooling anybody.

Honestly, the tattoos are enough to convince me that Harry and Louis, at the very least, were together for quite a long while. At least from the start of 1D to 1D going on Hiatus. Just look.

First Day of 1D: Louis jumped into Harry’s arms. Harry attempted to twirl them unsuccessfully.

Last Day of 1D before Hiatus: Harry held Louis’s arm behind Niall’s back (This was very much a recurring theme throughout their time in 1D.)

Here’s an exhibition of ‘See it Once, See it Always’

Sir Ian McKellen & One Direction on the Graham Norton Show: Louis was sitting very awkwardly here. At first glance, it seemed like he wanted to be as far away from Harry as possible. But look at his leg. Just look. Louis kept his right leg there, touching Harry’s left leg throughout the whole interview. There were some comments in this video that went on about how Louis was being so mean to Harry. And I’m like, please look before you pass judgement. But I’ve got the benefit of hindsight is 20/20 and hearing Louis sings about Princess Park, so. They were definitely very much in love here.

Night Changes performance on this show was just Harry’s serenading Louis. Watch the video and just look at the way Louis smiled back. He’s so happy. It’s adorable. Zayn and Niall were absolutely trying not to fangirl here. In fact, let me make a meme out of this.

Come on, when you know, you know.

Before heading to Part 2, you should watch this first. Chely Wright is a lesbian country musician. She was in a closet for a long time. It was a difficult experience for her and a heartbreaking bedtime story for me.

Will edit the link to part 2 in when I post it.

Good night now Sasha

Del

[hshouse]

are you done with your essay?

YES!! Harry essay is here and I love her.

It’s under the read more!! 

Harry Styles: the gay icon gay women deserve.

If you walk into an arena to watch a Harry Styles concert, you might think you came to a pride parade instead of a concert. His fans bring pride flags (all kinds of them: the gay, the lesbian, the bisexual, the transgender and the asexual have all been spotted) and wait excitedly for the moment when Harry snatches the flags for himself and runs around on stage with them. To understand the Harry Styles that his LGBT fanbase knows and love, it is crucial to know both his path to a successful solo artist and how he is perceived by the general public. Before his solo career, he was a member of the boyband One Direction. Boybands (and their members) have historically occupied in a curious position in popular culture. These groups, mostly composed of early twenties men, have been openly marketed towards a young female audience (who is presumed to be straight). The magazines write about the perfect date for each member and which actress the cute one is dating - all in a clear effort to sell them as romantic/sex icons for teenage girls. However, despite all of these efforts, these boybands are also adored by the LGBTQ community. While the appeal to gay men is more understandable, the bulk of the LGBTQ fans, at least in Harry Styles’ case, is composed of lesbian and bisexual women. Through analyzing four of his songs, I will shed a light on why this appeal exist and how he has become one of the iconic gay icons of the 21st century.

The first two songs that have become an important gay anthem for his LGBT fans were written by Harry Styles during his time in One Direction. The song “Happily” is featured in the third album of the band and “If I Could Fly ” is part of the fifth album. To understand the importance of these songs, some context is needed. A significant part of the One Direction fandom (the word used to describe the collective of fans) believes that Harry Styles was/is on a long term relationship with another bandmember, Louis Tomlinson. This belief is held mostly by the LGBT fans and it has shaped the fandom from the very beginning (this video - which has been watched over five million times - provides a good introduction on the topic). Many LGBT fans were introduced to the band by hearing about this belief. In different, and often controversial and unconvincing ways, both Harry and Louis have denied this relationship. However, the fans, including myself, even after four years of the band break, still believe in the existence of their relationship (the dynamics of this group are extremely interesting but are unfortunately outside of the scope of this essay).

In both “Happily” and “If I Could Fly” Harry writes/sings directly to his lover without (or with few) pronouns. Both songs invoke a common theme of certitude about their relationship while facing outside struggles to maintain this relationship. In “Happily”, Harry directly addresses how their relationship is viewed: “I don’t care what people say when we’re together/You know I wanna be the one to hold you when you sleep/I just want it to be you and I forever”. For straight listeners, this verse may not seem like more than a common love declaration in a pop song. However, for LGBT fans this verse is understood as a clear and loud representation of the queer struggle with acceptance for their relationships. Moreover, Harry is sending a strong optimistic message about queer love: “I don’t care what people say when we’re together”. In a pop culture that still often portrays queer love stories as tragedies or unattainable desires, hearing a song showcases a fairly happy queer love story is important for young LGBT people. Later in the song, Harry also plays (as he does in many songs as we will see) with the common listener’s assumptions about his sexuality: “It’s four a.m. and I know that you’re with him/I wonder if he knows that I touched your skin/And if he feels my traces in your hair”. A straight listened will likely assume he is jealous of another man who is with his female lover. However, the lover Harry is talking to is not specified as a woman so these sexually charged lyrics are understood by his fans to be within the context of a gay relationship.

In a distinctively sadder tone, “If I Could Fly” showcases another side of queer love: the understanding that that relationship is often the only social space where LGBT people get to truly be themselves. While many are lucky to have LGBT spaces and friends, it is still not the case for everyone - especially those in the closet. When performed live, this song seems to be personal and even perhaps painful to him. He sings: “For your eyes only, I’ll show you my heart/For when you’re lonely and forget who you are/I’m missing half of me when we’re apart/Now you know me, for your eyes only/For your eyes only.” These verses seem to say that he is himself only when he is with his lover or that only his lover truly knows him. Again, for his LGBT fans this song is undeniably about feelings and experiences that are unique to queer love within the context of our society. During his first tour as a solo artist, Harry performed this One Direction song in a separate B stage alongside one of his own love songs (the small stage was quickly nicknamed “the Boyfriend stage” by fans). During one of his London shows (linked above) the fans used their phones to form a pride flag across the arena. As he sang “I can feel your heart inside of mine”, his fans held a pride flag and sang back to him “I feel it/I feel it.” An incredibly powerful moment to us and to him (as you can see in the video).

In 2017, Harry started his solo career post One Direction. His first album cycle (including album release and tour) lasted until 2018 and it included over a million albums sold and 69 sold out concerts across the world. His career has been marked by his refusal to share anything substantial about his personal life outside of what is said in his songs. Harry talks through his actions and lyrics more than through any interview. Further, his solo career has also been marked by his fashion choices. He is the face of several Gucci fashion campaigns and the first gender neutral perfume. On tour, he was usually on a two piece suit with an extravagant pattern or in a creative variation of it like this prince outfit. But by far the most unique part of any Harry Styles concert is pride flags that flood the audience everywhere he goes. During every concert of his tour he grabbed some of the flags and ran around the stage. This movement to bring pride flags is a culmination of four years of efforts from his LGBT fans. During the One Direction tours a few brave fans brought pride flags, in a movement named Rainbow Direction, and were often met with hostility from other fans. It wasn’t until Harry started grabbing the flags and, in his fashion “saying without saying” that he supported and liked this trend, that the pride flags became accepted by the larger fandom.

Two of his solo songs deserve special attention for their importance for the queer fans. The first one is “Two Ghosts”. This song, like the ones mentioned before, is believed to be about Louis Tomlinson. The song was released as part of his 2017 album but was written in 2013. During that time, the Louis/Harry belief was first partially addressed when Harry and Louis, who were self declared best friends who lived together, completely stopped interacting with each other. This arrangement was in place until the last day of the band almost 3 years later. In a five person group, it was painfully obvious. “Two Ghosts” is believed to address this new public arrangement: “Sounds like something that I used to feel/But I can’t touch what I see/We’re not who we used to be/We’re not who we used to be/We’re just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me.” Styles then goes on to repeat “We’re not who we used to be” multiple times. Regardless of one’s belief on that relationship, when the song was released, Harry’s queer fans were stunned with how raw the song was. While being a celebrity in that situation is a mostly unrelatable problem, the feeling of not being able to express queer love freely is shared by many. In particular the lyric “I can’t touch what I see” shows a sadness and struggle that is known to many, if not all, queer people.

The second song is “Medicine”. This is Harry’s most openly queer song and also his most sexually charged. The second verse of the song boldly states that he is gonna treat his lover like a gentleman - a line that is hard to be interpreted in any other way but that his lover is a man. The song goes on to describe, by using the metaphor of taking medicine, the singer’s sexual desires with this person: “Here to take my medicine, take my medicine/Rest it on your fingertips/Up to your mouth, feeling it out/Feeling it out.” These lyrics are more explicitly sexual than any of his other songs. In a fan loved moment, Harry sings “I had a few, got drunk on you and now I’m wasted/And when I sleep I’m gonna dream of how you -” and the fans complete the (supposed) lyrics by screaming “tasted”. The song then comes to its most talked about verses: “The boys and the girls are in/I mess around with him/And I’m OK with it”. These verses exemplify what queer women love on Harry: in an unprecedented hint on his sexuality Harry is said in the same breath that he says is okay with it. Again, the reassurance that it is okay to feel this way. It is crucial to highlight an unsurprising detail about this song: it was never released as a track, he only performs it live. These lyrics, therefore, are not in the canon of what non fans know about him. Harry constantly seems to want to share his experiences in some contexts but not others - a feeling entirely too familiar to his queer fans.

During his concerts, Harry talks to the fans close to him from the stage and he seems to have talent (perhaps a radar) for choosing gay fans. This video contain most of the moments mentioned here. He helped multiple fans come out during the concert, he helped a girl find a girlfriend and even said that “everyone is a little bit gay”. His connection with his lesbian and bisexual fans is evident to anyone who follows him. In a very tangible way, this connection was not supposed to exist. Harry was, and still partially is, marketed as a sex symbol who girls are supposed to want to sleep with. His fanbase is supposed to be straight women that daydream about having a chance to date him. Of course, this is an incredibly sexist and condescending way to treat women and Harry has never been okay with this framework. Considering his silence on most topics, he has been loud and clear about his respect towards women and his love for his mostly young female fanbase: “Who’s to say that young girls who like pop music – short for popular, right? – have worse musical taste than a 30-year-old hipster guy? That’s not up to you to say. Music is something that’s always changing. There’s no goal posts. Young girls like the Beatles. You gonna tell me they’re not serious? How can you say young girls don’t get it? They’re our future. Our future doctors, lawyers, mothers, presidents, they kind of keep the world going. Teenage-girl fans – they don’t lie. If they like you, they’re there. They don’t act ‘too cool.’ They like you, and they tell you. Which is sick.“ And this sentiment, if his on stage interactions are anything to go by, seem to be even more clear about his gay fans. It is not to say that every straight fan wants to sleep with him or that he loves them any less. But there is a clear understanding by him that there is something special about the LGBT fans that, despite a marketing that was not meant to appeal to gay women, stood by him for now almost a decade. Show after show he has made it abundantly clear that this relationship is just as important and sacred to him as it is to us.

[stateofgay]

Why do so many of y’all believe she is a lesbian and not bi. Like what is the reasoning, I’m just curious

well, i can only speak for myself. it isn't like there's a foolproof, universal manual or guidebook to judge by. it's a myriad of things; little details, some of them. it's the nuances. it's also my own gay experience bearing on my interpretations of her queercoding, behaviors and any other signs. it can be as simple as having a hunch too. without getting too deep (don't let the length of this fool you, lol) − 1) for starters, i don't believe for a sec any of her public romances were/are real, which leaves me unaware of her ever being in any straight relationship at all. i only have an inkling (rather an understatement) of her wlw involvements. does that mean she hides her op sex partners too (better than she does the women)? or is it that she's only been with the same sex? 2) second, i pick up on it by the way she is around women vs. men and how she speaks about each. she's a charmer naturally anyways, but, to me, her demeanor is a world of difference. 3) third, her music and lyrics/writing − not just because this or that album are about a woman in particular (they are though), but because of the imagery, motifs, experiences, tribulations and whatnot that they convey and invoke. god, the layers!! if none of those songs are then about any 3-month publicized relationship... (i mean, first point makes this redundant so i might as well just stop here). to me, they're testament to her repressed lesbian experience, yearning and aching. i said i wouldn't get deep but, man, i don't see how else to put it. granted, she'll come out as bi/no labels if/when she does, but that's where things stand imo. i know it seems exactly like i've said but a whole lot of nothing (fair enough, sorry). certainly, i don't have the gift of eloquence and, either way, i don't intend to convince you of anything or alienate anyone in doing so hence why i'm not listing any concrete "proof" or linking sources (i'll be happy to if you want, though). i too used to be of the opinion she was bi, until i wasn't anymore (groundbreaking argumentation, i know).

[iwanthermidnightz]

The following is the summary of Kate’s latest episode on Taylor. Forgive the back and forth and random points... Kate likes to ramble. It was literally an hour and a half of that but she did bring up some good points. This is her analyzing ‘The Archer’ among other things! For the record, I’m writing from her perspective/direct words.

————————————————-

-Thinks The Archer is beautiful, ethereal, and lush

-It’s very Donna Lewis, very Robyn, it’s a nostalgic sound, very Jack Antonoff, very Lorde Melodrama.. its a certain sound reverberating female celestial voices that reminds her of the 90s and she likes it

-It’s a promo single which means it’s released to promote the album, it’s not released to radio stations for airplay- no music video

-Sounds transitional, unfinished song… it’s building

-Released to convey a level of emotional vulnerability

-Taylor said in radio interviews in the UK that this album is very pure and it’s not in response to something like she said reputation was

-“Lover is about what songs would I write for the sake of writing songs? Most of them are about love in the sense that they’re a love letter to love itself”

-We’re in an era with VERY little information

-We’ve seen Joe twice in 2019 (go figure)

-Taymerica, Squad, Calvin, we see her all the time

-Then she gets in this mysterious private ‘relationship’ with Joe almost so much so that there’s no reason to speculate or think about her personal life because it’s so under the radar and she’s never officially talked about him

-She automatically likes his Instagram posts within 2 minutes which a lot of us think is some sort of thing Instagram does for people like her

-She has a theory Taylor and Taylornation can see stories without read receipts (duh)

-The Archer represents a person that's reflecting on their behavior and their patterns and thinking about their relationships in life and thinking about the role of self-sabotage as it relates to your personal relationships

-Talks about the dive bar situation, she needs to spend more time thinking about it

-She talks about the easter eggs leading up to the archer and debates whether Taylor planned this out 3 years ago because of the archer angel in the delicate mv, and the way the people in the delicate mv see right through her, it makes sense

-She always wondered what aspects of Taylors personal life is a media narrative. What has she actually confirmed herself? What are these songs really saying?

-She thinks the songs on reputation sound like really closeted anthems

-It’s none of her business what her sexuality is but it is her business to interpret her songs the way any open-minded person should

-So much of reputation she really read being about a relationship with a woman because it was so grounded in secrecy, quiet moments, darkest little paradise, happened for the first time, I don’t want you like a best friend, everybody thinks that they know us but they know nothing about us, I loved you in spite of deep fears that the world would divide us, I had a bad feeling… (yes she named them all in the same breath)

-Lyrics have never been about the protection and privatization of involuntarily public love, they’ve been lyrics about a perception of a forbidden love -It’s one thing to hide from the paparazzi, and to be like “something happens when everybody finds out, loose lips sink ships all the damn time”, recites ‘I Know Places’ basically- calls it a closeted anthem because Taylor literally comes out of closet doors on the 1989 tour.

-Thinks there are themes in Taylors songs that she might miss as a straight person and doesn’t want to discount them

-She was reading an article in Vulture written by none other than known Kaylor truther Jill Gutowitz, mentioned how Jill very openly talks about Gaylor and Karlie Kloss and even recently Tree Paine liked one of her tweets

-Tree Paine is a mastermind and has boots on the ground everywhere (Indeed she is!)

-Thinks the Tree Paine like was strategic

-Jill said in an article that there were implicitly queer lyrics placed throughout ‘The Archer’: ‘pace like a ghost’, ‘heroes die all alone’, ‘help me hold onto you’, dying alone and holding on to someone who isn’t right for you are all important tenants of the lesbian canon (shes quoting Jill)

-Kate did not pick up on any of that cause shes straight haha

-Mentions how Taylors fans are divided by those who think her songs are blatantly queer and those who don’t and believe the Toe relationship is real bc the media shows them that and they believe it firsthand (true)

-She quotes the reputation prologue “when the album comes out gossip blogs will scour the lyrics for the men they can attribute to each song as if the inspiration for music is as simple and basic as a paternity test and there will be slideshows and photos backing up each incorrect theory because it’s 2017 and if you didn’t see a picture of it it didn’t happen right? Let me say it again louder for those in the back… we think we know someone but the truth is that we only know the version of them that they have chosen to show us.”

-Kate says that those are her actual straightforward words and you can’t read that and say that it's not okay to believe in things we haven’t seen or that it’s calling her a liar to only believe what we’ve seen if she is telling us to our faces that we think we know her but the truth is we only know the version of herself that she has chosen to show us

-That is an admission of Taylor being strategic in what we know, and a ton we don’t know

-The prologue should’ve opened up the doors for an and all theories to be fair game but somehow it divided the fandom deeper than she’s ever seen

-Calling her a liar about what she’s told us thus far is not fair (it takes a mature person to understand that)

-The Taylor Swift strategic businesswoman who keeps us on our toes waiting for new music and clues is part of her success- not all. But there is a difference between that Taylor and the Taylor she is behind closed doors. She’s still a person. So to say she's a liar is not right.

-We can’t imagine what it takes to be in her position and not have lost her mind yet

-Maybe shes had a breakdown but we haven’t seen it (wasn’t that her disappearance before reputation?)

-Kate goes back to ‘The Archer’ and her internal struggle

-She read something that Taylor liked on Tumblr where someone said that The Archer is the song version of her poem called “If you’re anything like me”... epiphany.

-The song is about talking about her shortcomings while simultaneously accepting them and saying if you’re anything like me I’m sorry but you’ll be fine

-Kate recites the whole poem now lol

-Showcases a lot of strength in your weakness and pointing out the importance of going through these things in order to find oneself and to acknowledge that some things are just pillars of the way you are

-Back to the archer - this song is about the unwelcome justice system in her head in terms of patterns, knowing how she's going to react, in terms of wishing she were another way and objectively being able to see that but not being able to feel that is a very human experience to constantly be in between your head and your heart

-You only know your own experience, anyone that's hurt you stays in your subconscious or otherwise and we often react in response or defense of it and when she’s saying “no amount of friends at 25 will fill the empty seats at the lunch tables of your past and the teams that picked you last but darling, you keep trying”

-She has been criticized so many times and publicly taken down, shes felt like she can't do anything right at times

-Brings up the ME! Performance at the Billboard awards and no one talked about the performance, just that she ‘copied Beyonce’

-Stuff like that that was not intentional is often pegged on her for better or worse, correct or not

-To be accused of copying or being tone-deaf when shes probably orchestrated this team to make sure none of that happened would be so thankless and frustrating and sometimes the hate is louder

-At times in her career, she's had no choice but to jump to her own overwhelming defense

-You can't trust a lot of people if you are easily used and you do have to be somewhat cut and dry and I think that being put in an environment where it benefits you to be cut and dry because there are so many shady people but maybe she doesn’t really want to be

-She has no choice but to be black or white about her life and feelings and standing up for herself

-Back to The Archer- Kate doesn’t understand the point of “I’ve been the archer, I’ve been the prey”

-It’s kind of like I’ve been the attacker and I’ve been the victim, I’ve had the upper hand and I’ve had the lower hand, I’ve been the dumper and I’ve been dumped

-Kate thinks Taylor’s been on the attack and defense and she knows what it feels like to be treated the exact same way she treats people and therein lies the issue

-That’s a confusing thing to process in your head period and to communicate in a song is inevitably going to be a little bit frantic and convoluted but that's kind of the point. The anxiety of how you handle things and how you accept yourself despite the way you likely mishandle things

-Taylor starts out saying “I’m ready for combat” in the most reluctant, delicate voice that is not indicative of somebody ready for combat

-That sounds like somebody who is a reluctant participant in their own patterns and they don’t want to be doing it but they know they’re going to and they know they’ll do it again

-These patterns and issues that we have exhibit over and over the reason for self-loathing and it's almost harder when you’re older and can acknowledge that you do these things and they don’t work for you but I still do them anyway

-It’s that self awareness paired with the active participation in these bad habits that make a person really start to doubt themselves and in using figures of speech like “I cut off my nose just to spite my face”, like that cuts deep bc she's basically being like “I overreact and I know I do and on purpose”

-In acting out of anxiety and fear you often end up riding off alone

-At a point you see people come and go, you know how this whole song and dance goes, at a point you start to mourn it before it's over

-That’s kind of like “yeah I never figured out the best way to maintain these relationships and I’m tired of it, I never grew up, I don’t know why I am this way but since I know they come and go and since I’ve always ridden on the train alone that probably what I’ll do again but with your help, help me hold onto you… like I want you to be the exception”

-We all think of ourselves as a catch and a trainwreck and it’s not a bad thing

-Looking for someone’s flaws is something everyone does in relationships

-As it relates to in the past when she’s been burned by somebody’s dark side she wants to call it when she sees it and lock the door before she gets robbed but then there's the conflicting part where she’s like “well what I’m alright, what if I can trust you and I’m alright right here?”

-The entire song is kind of like a back and forth of opposing feelings

-To cut off your nose to spite your face is basically a metaphor for overreacting

-She brings up the Hiddleswift stunt and Taylor revealing that she was Nils Solberg for some reason (connecting it to the metaphor)

(KATE IS RAMBLING SO I’M ONLY ADDING IMPORTANT THINGS NOW)

-We’re so quick to discount people's feelings just because they're in a position of fame and fortune and power but I think we would all feel no less us with money if anything everything’s intensified

-Taylor must have to put up a front all the time because she's not allowed to complain or have bad days when that is your normal and any therapist will tell you you can only heal operating out of your own normal.

-Pain is pain and when you start to compare pain is when you start to trivialize, minimize and not work through what you’re going through and you start to avoid/ignore it

-Taylors in a weird position where she probably has a more internal struggle that anybody

-Through her music we should acknowledge and think about what it’s like on that side, we owe her the respect to be like damn.. this must be hard

-Talks about the “all the king's horses” line and Humpty Dumpty

-All of the resources and people trying to help Taylor at her disposal and they still can’t fix this and that is an empty feeling, like a lost cause

-When Kate hears ‘The Archer’ she hears a highly anxious episode that is not just processing the individual situation going on but then doing a thing where you project it on every single thing that's ever going to happen in your life

OK FIN.

[nerdsideofthemedia]

Bumblebee was always the plan part 2

It’s time to continue with my controversial posts. When I began writing this, it was intended to be mostly a response to arguments I see around and EF’s. Then my pretty confrontational post that had led to say to a friend “Thankfully no one reads my blog” became much bigger than I ever expected. There’s a good chance I would have gone for a different tone had I known it would get 500x the usual view of… 1, which is usually mine. This been said, it would have been a mistake. Still, I feel like I have to address some points that seem to have confused a few people and this is definitely to do that.

But first, soothing music to prevent knee-jerk reactions.

Let’s start with a claim that was kind of controversial: the suggestion that Blake could still turn out to be a lesbian instead of bi or pan as some claimed this was in itself bi erasure. I understand where this complaint comes from as bisexuality was basically considered to not exist in media, for example, Sex and the City has an episode where all the main characters but Samantha treat it as something alienating and a way to still be in the closet. Yeah, some episodes have not aged well. And I’ve lost count of the number of people that still don’t consider it a thing, even among progressive fandom like Janelle Monae’s and Crazy Ex-Girlfriend’s (I just gave you 2 bi anthems1). Just so we’re clear, even though I do think Blake is bothsexual (let’s see if someone recognizes that reference), I have to put on table of her being a lesbian as some gay people have dated members of the opposite sex for a very long time, and there’s high probability some of them were abused in said relationships. I can’t ignore those experiences (I suppose I can, but I shouldn’t and hopefully never will).

Black Sun: the ship that didn’t sail

Again, there were a few that didn’t like that I compared BB and BS, which they interpreted as a dick contest. That really wasn’t my goal. I did that because those were the ships involving Blake that had a chance to happen (Catmeleon and Enabling-abuse2 were not on the table) and I was arguing for Bumblebee having been the plan all along (which, to me, implies that Black Sun was meant to be a red herring, though I didn’t flat out say it – sorry, I didn’t think I needed to). The point was to illustrate how there had been hints for Bumblebee.

I argued for that way before volume 6 by pointing out several clues like the dance arc, the songs and the injury. At the time, someone asked me how I could know BB wasn’t the red herring. There are 2 reasons why:

While it’s not lacking in hints and foreshadowing, they are (mostly3) on the subtle side when compared to the very obvious Sun’s crush on Blake;

They’re a LGBTQ+ pairing. There are huge double standards when it comes to LGBTQ+ in comparison to hetero ones – many people will deny the first one until it’s impossible to do so. The point of the bait and switch is to have a little twist and you can’t have that if a significant part of your audience notices the switch, but doesn’t see the bait.

And if you have doubts about the last point, remember: in 6x11, Adam attacked Yang out of jealousy, then Blake held her hand while making a speech that put them as equal in contrast to Blake-Adam, a relationship where one of them constantly tried to make the other feel small (the point of the infamous speech). There were many denying BB. Then, he tried to make Yang feel insecure about Blake by telling her she had made the same promise to him and asked the super platonic question: “What does she even see in you?” and people still tried to deny it. In the last episode, Blake and Yang spent the time holding each other’s hands and yet, there were still people denying it. Not that I’m complaining, since it only increased my celebration time. It was like: episode 6x11, “yeah! Bees” for 3 days, the internet crashed my party for one, then 6x12, “yeah! Bees! This time is for sure” for another 3 days, again I had my enthusiasm dashed and finally, “yeah! Bees”. That time it stuck. So thanks guys! It would have been bad if by 6x13 I had already used all my fireworks.

If you thought BS was going to happen – that’s normal, because it was the bait. If I am aware that people tend to think of others as straight until proven otherwise, why do you think the writers aren’t? I may not live in the same country as them, but I still consume a lot of USA’s media and I know that if guy stalks girl, he usually gets her. Not to mention, the number of times media announces a LGBTQ+ character as tactic to gain some support yet deliver nothing, like saying Dumbledore is gay even though there’s nothing in the films or books indicating it (let’s leave the conversation about the “word of God” for some other time). There were more than a few LGBTQ+ people who were afraid Bumblebee would turn out to be just that: queerbaiting.

Miles and Kerry knew all of that and, more importantly, they were aware that you knew it too, so they played on your assumptions to make their bait-and-switch. However, there were plenty of hints that Sun was just the red herring and that Bumblebee was going to happen. Last time, I focused on the latter, this time let’s concentrate on the first. Let’s take a look at Sun and Blake’s relationship, shall we?

Sun was introduced in the last episodes of V1 and Blake trusted him immediately, because… he’s a Faunus. Though she told him about herself and the White Fang, he showed immediately he’s not on the same page as her as Faunus rights mean a lot to her and little to nothing to him. In 2x01, Sun talks to Neptune about Blake and concluded “and the best part is she’s a Faunus”, which goes completely against Blake’s words in the next episode “I want people to see me for who I am, not what I am”. She began going on a downward spiral to which he reacts with “Is she being all Blake-y?”, while Yang’s the one who gets through to her by exposing her own vulnerability.

Sun not fully understanding Blake is something the show hammers in our heads quite a few times even in more recent volumes. Like when he assumed she’s on her way to fight the White Fang when she was actually going to Menagerie to rest. Or suggested destroying the WF while Blake wanted to take it back.

In volume 3, they had literally no interactions besides him winking at her in the Vytal Festival – yes, she blushed, which can be explained by the fact that he did it in front of an entire stadium or that she had a crush on him. Personally, I’m inclined to the latter, but it really doesn’t mean much: not all crushes lead to something. A lot of them are a result of idealization and I think that was the case for Blake. By the way, I have to speak of Blake’s crush as likely, not certain precisely because it was never actually confirmed.

When Yang asked Weiss where Blake and Ruby were, Sun was there, yet it was Yang alone who went after Blake. The next time we saw him, it’s after their injuries and he is noticing an injured Blake grabbing Yang’s hand.

No, this shot doesn’t exist to show Sun seeing Blake injured, because he already knew that. He had just told Ruby that Yang was going to be OK, and the one who brought her there was Blake. Not to mention that if the point was to make him notice Blake’s injuries, it makes no sense for their hands to appear. Yang would have been kept out of the frame, instead of taking up more space than Blake. To me, this is the moment where Sun realizes Blake’s feelings for Yang. If the intention was for him to notice Blake’s injured, it would have made much more sense to see his face, then cut to her. Yes, they could have done the same with their hands, but this way they left it more ambiguous which was probably the intention. It would have made no sense for them to choose that if it was meant for Black Sun, because the audience was more than aware he was interested in Blake. We had been since V1 as there was never anything subtle about their relationship.

In volume 4, he flirts, Blake is usually either apathetic or downright annoyed. The exception is after the injury, and like I said, he’s the one who brings up Yang, revealing he realizes the bond between them. He is also hurt by the chick whose feelings weren’t reciprocated (I talked about that at length in part 1). In volume 5, their relationship is platonic.

Really, in spite of spending the volumes 4 and 5 together, it’s not about developing Black Sun in a romantic way.

Oh, a kiss on the cheek isn't romantic. It can be, but in the context, it was merely a "thank you".

Black Sun hasn’t sunk yet

While RWBY isn’t over, the possibility for Black Sun isn’t completely gone, though I don’t think I’m lying when I say it’s unlikely. You can like it more than Bumblebee, but it’s all right to admit it’s improbable. We (almost) all have been there. For crying out loud, in MHA, I sort of ship Kacchako4 (loses 2/3 of her readers – and that’s why this piece of trivia was originally intended to appear much later).

After everything he’s done for her (that she didn’t ask for)

This is usually phrased in a disgusting way.

There is a lot to unpack here.

First, it’s ridiculous to think you can be owed love/getting into someone’s panties. You can’t. People either love you/want to do you, or they don’t. If you want to do something for someone else, great, but do it because you want to and like (not necessarily in a romantic way) said person or because you’re altruistic – don’t expect a reward. This is what you sound like to us:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWFfrQtHag0

You wanted the guy to get the girl, fine. You know you can watch that in almost everything else, right?

Second, it’s idiotic to associate getting the girl with masculinity or not getting her with being “cucked”. If your notion of being a man is tied to getting someone else, that’s on you. If you need someone else to feel good about yourself, maybe you have some underlying issues to address (another reference to Crazy Ex-Girlfriend – watch the show, especially if you’re making comments like the one I showed: you need it. I feel like the narrator in “S.O.B.s”).

Third, even by the logic of “after everything I’ve done for you”, Sun doesn’t win, because Yang paid a much bigger price: she lost an arm and had PTSD while he had a minor injury from which he had basically recovered by the next episode. This isn’t a “Yang deserves her” either – that argument is nonsensical no matter the pairing being defended, I’m just pointing out that it doesn’t even favor BS.

By the way, I noticed that a few people completely missed the point of why I compared Yang’s injury to Sun’s and think I did it to indicate Yang deserves it more or to win (?). It’s a bit confusing because I flat out say why I made the comparison, but here it goes again: it’s not to say Yang deserves Blake, but to indicate that, in fiction, we usually associate romance with higher stakes. I literally wrote:

“I think Yang’s and Sun’s injuries are everything I should need to prove the likelihood of BB as they contrast the two main Blake ships: Bumblebee and Black Sun. While heroes tend to save many people who are indeed just friends or sometimes not even that, there’s a reason why Superman and Spiderman usually include Lois Lane and MJ (or whoever the love interest is in said film) in the climax – it makes it more personal, raising the stakes. From this perspective, it’s easy to understand the importance given to either by comparing: what the injury was, who caused it, why and Blake’s reaction, thus allowing to conclude which couple was given more weight.”

“[…] point Bumblebee as the first one is more associated with romance.”

That was me explaining what the points were as well as why I was comparing the 2.

And yes, paying attention to dramatic weight is completely valid, we are talking about fiction after all. It’s not like we accidentally walked in on a guy threatening a gal and saying “I’ll destroy everything you love… starting with her” as another woman appeared in real life. Things happened the way they did because writers (editors, directors, etc.) wanted them to. 

Don’t pretend you didn’t know that it’s relevant that the one who caused Yang’s injury was Adam, Blake’s ex-boyfriend, while Sun’s was caused by Ilia, the friend whose feelings weren’t reciprocated, and that it doesn’t say anything about the links Adam-Yang and Sun-Ilia. I lost count of the number of BSers who wanted Sun to fight Adam and wanted him to be the one taking Adam down (even though it got in the way of Yang’s closure), which shows many of you were perfectly aware of the importance of said connection.

As for the dyke representation… (the fact that they phrased it that way is very telling) if it was just that, then any lesbian couple would do. RWBY is about 4 female characters. Seriously, how come people never ask themselves why this one is so popular, even though Yang and Blake aren't the most popular characters? From what I've seen, Weiss and Yang are.

The claims of “pandering” and “SJW” have been raining for a while and I expect them to continue until they realize CRWBY can’t be bullied into erasing BB. Count on that to happen whenever a show reveals a main character is LGBTQ+ mid-series (unless it’s a particularly progressive show). If your reaction to seeing LGBTQ+ characters is to call it “pandering”, it says a lot about you, none of it good.

I know that we perceive straight white male as default. This is so entrenched in our culture that the first Transformers didn’t have any female transformers because the writers thought it would require an explanation. Yup, apparently you need an explanation to include half of the world’s population.

I suppose screaming “pandering” is better than to pull an EF and say “Bumblebee was and is the safest LGBTQ ship they could have done. Lesbian couples are the safest representation a show can make […] It’s more comfortable to see woman on woman action just because of how fantasized they are”, which:

doesn’t justify why BB is the safest LGBTQ+ couple as there are a ton of lesbian couples possible (White Rose, Checkmate/Monochrome, Freezerburn, etc.);

fails to consider the high number of LGBTQ+ women in RWBY when compared to LGBTQ+ men probably has something to do with the fact it has more female characters;

when did we see woman on woman action in RWBY? How did I miss that episode?

if lesbians are so appealing to straight men, how come they’re the ones whining the most about BB?

The whole straight-men-like-lesbians while being the ones complaining about them is particularly odd to me. It doesn’t sound like they like they are spending their time wrapped up in sexual fantasies. Maybe they are and can't stop. And that's why they don't like Bumblebee anymore... Poor things... But really, it just sounds like they need some kind of… safe space.

You can tell them not to worry. They still have most shows/books/films. And for the next 2-4 decades, they'll be able to count on Disney (taking shots at it since my very first post).

As usual, the original.

More RWBY posts:

Filmmaking and Bumbleby

Bumblebee was Always the Plan

Bumblebee was Always the Plan part 2

Faunus and the White Fang: The Portrayal of Racism

BB & Renora

Weird Post on Weiss’s Clothes

Foils: Adam and Yang (this one is in wordpress; it was my first one and I didn’t have Tumblr then)

Let’s talk about Adam Taurus (I didn’t post this one on Tumblr because the title and tags could lead Adam fans thinking this was about “his wasted potential” when really it defends the decision of killing him off and explains why it happened)

1 “Make me Feel” can also be taken as a pan anthem as Janelle as identifies as such (and I think she’s OK with being called bi too).

2 Enabling Abuse is what I call AdamxBlake.

3 I still consider “Burning the Candle”, V3 finale and the ship named “Pride” to be pretty obvious.

4 Not only are the odds against Kacchako (BakugoxUraraka), the shippers are considered villains who worship chaos, which is fine by me. I can’t say some part of me doesn’t enjoy being The Dark Knight’s Joker and that part is saying: “Tell me Batman, how does it feel to be the hero of a film that everyone watches for its villains?”

[swiftteainthesummer]

As Promised, here’s my list of 🏳️‍🌈Gay Taylor Swift Songs🏳️‍🌈

first I’m just gonna say, I’m not claiming that Taylor wrote any of these songs about women or with this interpretation in mind. This is just because of how I have found the lyrics to relate to me personally.

OURS - it’s all about a relationship that the people around you are disapproving of which (unfortunately) is what a lot of people in same sex relationships experience. And it’s cute and bubbly and all about still choosing that person you love because love is love and haters can fuck themselves.

DELICATE - this is one that’s pretty much pronoun-less so it’s easy to fit your own love life to. Also “do the girls back home touch you like I do?” is a wlw lyrical masterpiece.

DANCING WITH OUR HANDS TIED - super relatable as a gay. So worried about how everyone is going to judge you for who you love. So much anxiety and wanting to hide the relationship so you don’t have to hear the negative judgement. But still being there loving and fighting for your love. Hold them “as the water rushes in” loving them “in spite of deep fear that the world would divide us”. It’s very gay.

INVISIBLE - to me, this song is relatable. Me pining after some girl who is interested in another, even though she and I could be so perfect together. Gay through my interpretations at least.

FIFTEEN - I feel like no one will agree with me on this. But to me I used to think I’d marry this boy who was my close friend but even though back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday i realised some gayer dreams of mine. I also was just learning my sexuality at 14/15.

MINE - so I think Mine is very gay. The only man mentioned is the ‘careless man’ and Taylor even sings the alternative view of “I fell in love with a careless man’s careful daughter/SHE is the best thing that’s ever been mine” which hearing a woman sing that is therapeutic to my lesbian self. It’s just so precious and hella gay.

ENCHANTED - no pronouns once again. Mostly including this because it’s so magical and fairytale like and I wanna meet a girl like this so it makes the gay list. Sparkles and ball gowns and secret glances across crowded rooms = gay.

STATE OF GRACE - “i never saw you coming and I’ll never be the same” as a gay you often never see your first ‘love’ coming it just happens and that’s sometimes how you work out you are gay, and you’ll never be the same. It was such a beautiful and scary experience. “This love is brave and wild” it takes a lot of bravery to be out as lgbt and to be out in a same sex relationship.

TREACHEROUS - is pure and about being human and exploring some unknown love even though it might not be safe because you can’t get them out of your mind and keep getting caught up with them.

WELCOME TO NEW YORK - “you can want who you want boys and boys and girls and girls”

HOW YOU GET THE GIRL - self explanatory right?

DRESS - “our secret moments in a crowded room” again being so careful to hide a relationship, scared of rude opinions of others. “I don’t want you like a best friend” gays not knowing whether someone is flirting or just friendly. No gendered pronouns. “Pining and anticipation” and “desperately waiting” just the lead up to first time with someone of the same sex, makes it a bigger deal

BETTE DAVIS EYES - kind of bonus, because Taylor only covered this song. But to me this song is soooo gay. It was written by two women, made popular by a female singer. And the subject of the song is also a woman. “Her lips sweet surprise” “shes pure as New York snow” “all the better just to please you”!!! all of that is hella gay and then, “she knows just what it takes to make a pro blush/all the boys think she’s a spy” kind of implying that she picks up women way better than men and they wonder she does it, that’s how I see it.

So that’s the list, some definitely gayer than others. Happy Pride Month🌈

[ancientbooshartifacts]

Carpe Noctem

Author: Silent-Fields

Year: 2010

Rating: PG-13

Characters: Richmond, Anthrax & Ebola

Richmond watched as the children of the night careened about in a haze of smoke, extending their pale arms towards Heaven and Hell. After weeks of careful research, tonight was the night Richmond had decided to set out and experience his first goth club. He had chosen Pandora's Box because it offered two rooms spinning various genres, a lounge, and a very extensive bar. He was in the gothic room at the moment, enjoying the contrast of ethereal female vocals with demonic male ones echoing from the club's speakers. With his last few paychecks as Project Executive, Richmond built himself up an extensive wardrobe, favoring mostly Victorian and Edwardian inspired styles, but liking the cuts on many of the more modern clothes as well. Most of his old clothes were then donated, but he did keep a few pieces. A purple dress shirt did look quite nice with a black tie. For his debut he wore a black frock coat, a black ruffled shirt whose cuffs dangled just enough over his hands to be dramatic but not a hindrance, and a maroon waistcoat. Black trousers and pointed boots completed his outfit. He had recreated the eye make-up he had done for Denholm's father's funeral, but chose to simply line his lips' natural shape rather than draw them into a frown. He wanted to be approachable, trying for subtle indifference with a hint of misery for tonight's look. His parents had been more upset about his demotion than his new lifestyle. "You always liked The Addams Family and Tim Burton movies," his mother said with a shake of her head. "And there was that time your father took you to see Kiss. But Richmond dear, can you still support yourself?" Richmond had enough savings to cover any emergencies that may arise within the next few months and tended to live rather frugally, so the lower pay hadn't really bothered him. What had been surprising was how much more comfortable he was now, finding solace in the shadows of the night after years of corporate competition under harsh florescent. Richmond had been so lost in reminiscing that he didn't notice two girls approaching him until they were right in front of him. The taller of the two was wearing a long black velvet dress with bell sleeves, her wavy blonde hair flowing over both her shoulders. The shorter girl's black hair was pinned back with spider shaped sliver clips, and she wearing a black knee-length tank dress with zippers on the straps, fishnet stockings, and combat boots. Both wore matching necklaces, a silver dagger on a satin cord that stopped at the tops of their breasts. Drinks in hand and small purses on their shoulders, they introduced themselves. "Hello, I'm Ebola.” said the blonde, her manner stoic. "And I'm Anthrax." said the other, her tone equally void of emotion. "Richmond." He replied with a bow. Oh dear, should I have created pseudonym? Alabaster? No, sounds silly. Ammonite? Possibly too obscure. Maybe I should have used my last name, it does sound a bit more gothic . . . "We haven't seen you here before, is this your first time?" Anthrax asked, interrupting his thoughts. "Oh yes, yes it is." "They seem to be playing older stuff tonight, not a bad night to drop in. Would you care to join us in the lounge?" Richmond nodded and Anthrax's lips curled upwardly slightly, flashing the tips of a pair of fangs as she turned toward the door. Richmond followed as the girls effortless weaved their way through the dancing patrons towards the lounge. They sat on a vacant purple velvet settee while Richmond sat in an adjacent chair, the table in front of them covered with ashtrays and empty glasses. Candlelight and black fabric draped from the ceiling surrounded them. Ebola sat her glass down and fished a cigarette and lighter out of her purse while Anthrax and Richmond held on to their drinks. "So Richmond, what do you do?" Ebola asked, lighting her cigarette. She held up her free hand before he could reply. "Wait, let me guess. Computer programmer? No no, graphic designer." Richmond furrowed his brow in confusion. "Nearly every guy here works with computers," Anthrax explained. "It provides a relaxed office dress code and a pay check that supports the lifestyle." "Oh. Um, I work in IT." It felt odd saying that, as Richmond still had no idea what kind of work he was expected to do. Though it is quite nice working in the basement. "Ah." Anthrax took a sip of her drink, something dark red. "The bartender here is quite excellent, always coming up with some new delicious and deadly cocktail. I see you've gone with The Green Fairy." "I quite like absinthe." Richmond replied with perhaps too much enthusiasm. He was drinking a cocktail of the previously mentioned bartender's own design. While lounge was relaxing, Pandora's Box was primarily a dance club, and did not lend itself to melting sugar cubes into luminous green filled glasses, so he settled for a mixed drink that contained some of his favorite liquor. "Oh I'm sure you'll meet him eventually." Ebola said, rolling her eyes. Richmond looked quite confused. "Absinthe is the owner and operator of a S&M club nearby." Anthrax explained. "It's members only with the exception of a few events throughout the year." She looked him up and down. "You could probably become a member without too much difficulty." "Oh I see." Richmond wasn't quite sure how he was supposed to interpret that statement. "Um . . . are you members?" "Yes." Ebola replied, taking a drag from her cigarette. "Why, are you interested?" "Not now, maybe one day." Richmond shifted and took a sip of his drink. He noticed Anthrax looking him again and he suddenly wondered if maroon was too bright of a colour for the occasion. "This isn't just your first time here is it?" she asked. "It's your first time out a goth club." Richmond blinked. "Oh dear, was it obvious?" "A bit" she replied, her fangs once again peeking out over her near smile. "Oh. Well I am still feeling my way around the culture." he admitted "It does get associated with a lot of different things." Anthrax commented. "How did you become interested in the lifestyle?" Ebola asked, placing her cigarette on the closest ashtray. "Cradle of Fifth." he replied, hiding his grin with a sip of his drink. "May I ask you two what interested you in becoming goth?" "Sure," Ebola said with a shrug. "For Anthrax it was The Hunger, that film with David Bowie as a vampire and Susan Sarandon's lesbian scene. If that wasn't enough the moment we start the film she's shaking me asking 'What's this song? Who's that bloke in the cage??'" Anthrax glared at Ebola. "You're the one with the thing for David Bowie." She turned to Richmond, "My older brother was into the scene as well so I'd often watch him put on his make-up before he went out and developed an interest from there. As for Ebola, she fancied my brother." "That wasn't the only reason, you cow." She glared back at Anthrax before replying. "I always loved Lydia's outfits in Beetlejuice, I wanted to dress like her every day. But it was so distressing to see her so happy and normal looking at the end of the film." "Oh yes, I agree. Even if the song is very catchy." Richmond swirled his drink in his glass, watching the bright green whirlpool, wondering what question to ask next. Perhaps they know someplace that provides a more appropriate atmosphere for drinking absinthe . . . Ebola reached for her cigarette, noticing a man walking quickly past them. "Good Evening, Lord Catalyst." she called out. The man froze and turned around with a grimace on his face. He was dressed similar to Richmond, but had chosen to accessorize with a top hat and cane. "You two!" he said with a slight twitch, pointing his finger accusingly. He turned to Richmond dramatically, his cape swirling to match his movement. "Take heed my dear fellow! They are harpies, who will snatch away your soul!" He glared at the two girls on the settee. "I do not mean this as a compliment!" "Oh fuck off!" Ebola hissed. "Or shall we tell him why you're so uncomfortable around us?" Lord Catalyst jumped, his twitch increasing in intensity, and scuttled away. Both girls exchanged a look and a snicker before turning to Richmond. "I'm sorry Richmond. We . . . collect boys on occasion but tonight we were just looking for conversation," explained Anthrax. "Though you are very handsome.” Ebola added. "That's quite alright. I must say, you both have beautiful skulls." "Thank you," they replied in unison. They spent the rest of the evening chatting away in the lounge, occasionally getting up to dance when a song came on that the girls insisted Richmond must dance to. Soon the antique grandfather clock in the lounge struck three, signaling that the evening was at an end. "You've both been very helpful. Thank you." said Richmond as they exited the club, trying not to smile. "There isn't a goth rule again smiling, Richmond." Ebola said with a laugh. "Just don't make it a regular habit." After exchanging phone numbers and email addresses the group went their separate ways, with the promise to meet again soon. ----------------------------------- For the first couple of years they were always out together; going to clubs and films and tea parties in graveyards, meeting up to chat and shop and dance. Anthrax and Ebola quickly discovered Richmond had no trouble pulling, his shy demeanor combined with his theatrical delivery proved highly amusing and rather attractive to both goths and non-goths of all genders. Sometimes they would meet just to compare notes on their various conquests. As the years went on Richmond began to come out less and less, mainly communicating by email and only occasionally by phone. He would still show up to major events and travel with them for Whitby, but Richmond slowly withdrew into his own world as Anthrax and Ebola continued to venture out in to the night. ----------------------------------- Neither Ebola nor Anthrax had seen Richmond for months and after weeks of persistent emails and phone calls, he agreed to come out. Before heading to Pandora's Box they decided to meet up at a near by cafe, sitting in a booth in the back corner, for privacy as well as ambience. Always a gentleman, Richmond waited until the girls had settled before sitting down. Anthrax sat near the wall, dangling her fingers over the table candle as she waited for her tea bag to steep. Ebola stirred her coffee, watching the creamer swirl. Both waited silently, wanting Richmond to speak first. He stared at his coffee, watching the stream curl out of the mug for a while before speaking. "My old boss committed suicide. He just jumped out of a window one day." Anthrax gasped and Ebola jumped slightly. That wasn't the whole story of course, but Richmond didn't feel like explaining that the pensions at Reynholm Industries had been tampered with for years and if Denholm had chosen to think about it, there had probably been an easy way to fix them. But Denholm has always been impulsive and unpredictable, up until the last moments of his life. "The one that demoted you?" Ebola asked carefully. Richmond nodded, still not looking up at either of them. "I slept with him shortly before it happened. It wasn't anything serious; I knew that before we did anything. In a way it sort of felt like closure." Richmond took a slip of his coffee, continuing to look at the table. "I wasn't allowed to attend the funeral, but at the time it didn't really bother me. As the weeks went on though, I found myself becoming rather depressed." "How are they treating you at work?" asked Anthrax. "Oh much better, I'm allowed out during daytime hours now. I still don't talk to my coworkers much - don't really see a reason to. I'm just sort of . . . there." Richmond looked up, saw two pairs of sympathetic looking milky lenses, and looked back down. "I'm not quite sure what to do with myself now." Ebola looked at Anthrax, biting her lip slightly. They searched each other eyes for the right words. Today it was Anthrax's turn to have the epiphany, eyes widening as she turned to face Richmond once more. "Richmond, do you remember the last thing that came out of Pandora's Box?" Richmond looked up from his drink at Anthrax, allowing his frown to become one of confusion rather than despair. She reached across the table and took hold of one of his hands. "It was hope." Richmond blinked, his mouth forming a silent "Oh". Ebola reached across and took hold of his other hand, both girls squeezing before letting go. The friends finished their drinks in a comfortable silence. "I think it's the industrial room tonight my dears." Ebola said as she began to rise out of the booth. "We can dance the night away and count how many times someone samples Dune." "No complaints here." Richmond replied, waiting until Anthrax was out of the booth before standing, trailing behind them both as they walked toward the front. "Oh Richmond we must tell you about this ridiculous boy we met at The Black Spider." Anthrax turned as he held the cafe door open. "He looked a bit like you but lacked your depth. When we asked him what his favorite song was he said it was Gary Numan's Dominion Day." Richmond sneered slightly as he followed her out. "First time?" "First and last, thankfully." And so the friends set out to drink and dance, extending their arms towards the infinite possibilities that lay ahead of them, capturing the night in their pale hands.

[that-curly-haired-lesbian]

Hey! Could you possibly do a queer reading into Dear John and how it could possibly be about coming out?

Dear John…I-I mean @ryanprettyboyrossI just wanted to start out by telling you that I’ve been excited about writingthis forever,but then depression sucker-punched me in the soul and put a stop to all mywriting (academic or otherwise) for literal weeks and when I finally got out ofthat there was a ton of essay to write… fuuuuun! 🙃🙃🙃

Anywayyyy, I’m out ofmy funk and just wanted to let you know that ever since you sent me this askages ago I’ve been intrigued by it.

I thank you all foryour patience during my absence and hope that this analysis was worth the wait! 😊

Dear John is one of my absolute favorite Taylor songs and in myopinion one of her most underrated, but solid works lyrics-wise.

In it I think hertalents as a poet and writer really shines through (friendlyreminder that Tay wrote the whole Speak Nowalbum by herself at 19 *cries in pride*) and for that I adore the freaking sparkleout of the song in question.

However, as I’vepreviously mentioned in asks and the like, for me it’s also always been one ofthe most interesting and complex ones to analyze. I’ve always kind of assumed Dear John is one of those songs that isnot what it seems.

My theory for a longtime has been that it’s some kind of metaphor describing queer identity andexperience and then you came along and placed this coming-out-narrative in mylap. Thank you very much, by asking me to stick to that thesis you’ve made myjob a lot easier, otherwise this analysis would’ve been all over the place withpossible theories! 😊

So let’s talk aboutthis for a sec, the majority of the fandom seem to assume it’s a song writtenabout the conveniently named John Meyer with whom Taylor was allegedly in arelationship from December 2009-February 2010. Meyer even went along with thatnarrative claiming the song “humiliated” him (x) to which Taylor responded thathe was being presumptuous in blatantly assuming the song to be about him. (x)

While therelationship did last for Taylor’s bearding-standard of 3 months a lot ofGaylors do seem convinced that Meyer was Taylor’s one (at least post-fame) non-PRboyfriend, for my personal thoughts on that please read this ask. (x)

Meyer may be namedJohn and the timeline during which the song was written may fit with thetimeline of whatever was going on between him and Taylor (PR or otherwise) but “DearJohn” as a phrase or title has a history longer than that.

Perhaps what most contemporary people think of(besides the Taylor song, provided they have any musical taste at all 😊)when hearing the phrase is the 2010 movie by the same name (it possibly cameout right around the time Tay was writing the song and we do know she likesromantic movies, so she may very well have found her inspiration there) whichin turn is based on the 2006 novel by Nicholas Sparks.

Another perhaps lessknown use of the phrase is the so called “Dear John letter.”

It refers to a wifeor girlfriend writing her husband/boyfriend a letter while he’s in themilitary, the letter is written to inform him that his partner has foundsomeone else and wants to break up/divorce, the phrase dates back to at leastWorld War II.

Wikipedia defines a “DearJohn letter” simply as “a break-up letter to an absent boyfriend or husband.”(x)

That does indeed seemto fit the bill for the song, Taylor sings to a “John” that is no longer a partof her life and informs him why the relationship had to end. (This song is to let you know why.”)

So, if the song isn’tabout John Meyer at all and we were just encouraged to think so, who or what isit really about?

Well, John is apretty common all-American name, in fact it was so common during the WWII erathat it was picked specifically to be a placeholder name when referring tobreakup letters addressed to solders (“Dear John letters.”) I think it’spossible that Taylor is using this pretty generic name as a placeholder too.

In the context of hersong “John” is the set of rules, ideas and practices (such as bearding) put inplace within the music/entertainment industry (specifically the country scene)to systematically closet performers to “save” or benefit their careers. 🤮

Long story short, Ibelieve “John” to be the heteronormativity and societal pressures to conform tosaid normativity which is keeping our singer in the closet. If you will, “John”is her own internalized homophobia which is stopping her from publicly comingout.

That being said thisis just an idea (cred to the asker, @ryanprettyboyross of course) on what thesong may be about, I personally have thought up many a theory regarding thisone in my time and everyone else is free to do so as well.

Credit for the lyricsbeing used goes to AZLyrics as usual; you all know the drill by now.

Without further ado,let’s get analyzin’

–

Long were the nights when

My days once revolved around you

Counting my footsteps

Praying the floor won’t fall through, again

–

Let’s have a look at these opening lines, Taylorclaims to have difficulty sleeping, this is because her life (or “her days” akaher every waking moment) revolves around pleasing someone who isn’t herself. 

Her days revolve around living up to the perfect image of America’s LittleHeterosexual Sweetheart™ that her team as well as her masses of adoringconservative fans built for her.

She can’t truly be herself and has to be careful whatshe does, what she says and how she acts. A feeling I’m sure many closetedpeople are more familiar with than they’d like.

She watches her every steps, every movement, everyword very carefully as to not accidentally out herself. She prays that peoplewon’t catch on and she’ll fall from her country princess throne (or through thedelicate floor of heteronormativity she has to constantly step on) and ruin herown career.

That constant fear is stressful for anyone who iscloseted, but must be so on an evendeeper level for someone who’s so public and simultaneously so deep in thecloset. A sad fate for such a young, talented artist and quite frankly it devastatesme to think about it in any greater detail. 💔

–

And my mother accused me of losing my mind

But I swore I was fine

–

Taylor must feel lonely to say the least, essentiallybeing required to refrain from being herself and hiding her truth, but one can atleast hope she has the unwavering support of her family and close friends towhom I think it’s safe to assume she’s out and has been for quite a long time. (Probably at least since high school, maybeeven earlier? My point is that she was most likely out to at least the family,if not to most of her friends long pre-fame.)

Her mother is mentioned here and my interpretation ofthe line is that Andrea is starting to see what the constant bearding andheteronormativity is doing to her daughter.

Perhaps she worries that Taylor is truly losing hersense of self and inquires whether the oldest of her children feels the PRgames have gone too far and if she wants to stop it and publicly come out? Afterall, Taylor’s parents raised her in a family free from homophobia if we’re tobelieve Taylor herself.

Taylor however reassures her mother that it’s fine;it’s all just a necessary part of the job and a small price to pay to get tolive her professional dream.

Chely Wright, a lesbian country singer who was closetedin the industry for a long time wrote the following in her book, Like Me: Confessions of a Heartland CountrySinger:

“I’d made a dealwith God early on that I’d go without love in my life, just give me music” (x)and I think that’s a pretty universal mindset among closeted musicians.

The chance to have music and performance andcreativity in one’s life is worth giving up on a happy and truthful personallife for. As long as you get to practice your art any personal sacrifices don’tmatter, or at least they’re not supposed to. Taylor promised her mother thiswas the case for her as much as anyone else.

–

You paint me a blue sky

And go back and turn it to rain

–

Here I think Taylor’s describing what this idea islike in theory, the idea of a fruitful career with hordes of adoring fans andcommercial success is all she ever dreamed of ever since she was a little girlwho repeatedly begged her parents to relocate the family to Nashville.

In practice though, it turns out Nashville is a prettyscary place for a young, gay singer, in fact the community there is viciouslyhomophobic. (x) Something that probably became apparent to Taylor pretty soon.

The perfect dream of country music stardom wasTaylor’s blue sky, but pretty soon it had been turned to rain by the systematichomophobia in the community she now found herself a part of.

–

And I lived in your chess game

But you changed the rules everyday

–

PR is a lot like chess, it’s one thoroughly thoughtout move after another, but instead of getting your opponent’s queen you moveand strategize in the hopes to please the general public with its conservativecountry fans. Not only them, but also producers, record labels and PR teams allcommitted to keeping the public image of heterosexuality, the one that sells andkeeps their artists afloat in the mainstream.

Taylor does her best to keep up with these moves andcountermoves, but it confuses her and she feels like what is expected of herchanges from day to day thus causing her to struggle with keeping up. Whatshe’s allowed to do, say and sing all changes constantly to adapt to the latestPR strategy and Taylor feels lost and helpless in the machinery that is theeconomy of homophobia, like a pawn lost on a giant chessboard.

–

Wonderin’ which version of you I might get on the phone,tonight

Well I stopped pickin’ up and this song is to let youknow why

–

Who is she talking about here then?

Well, I think this line is describing her relationshipto Team Taylor. I am assuming a kid like Taylor has had extensive mediatraining on how “not to appear gay” or whatever *puke* so if she messes up shelikely knows she’s going to get a call from her publicist.

Sometimes I’m sure that phone call wasn’t all toonice, as we’ve discussed before it seems Taylor’s publicist from her youngerdays was a very big fan of having Taylor stay in the closet, so if Taylor daredto publicly venture out of it in even the smallest of ways I’m sure she’d knowwhy that wasn’t advisable by the end of the night.

I’m not saying Taylor’s publicist was homophobic ornasty or mean, because obviously I don’t know that. I’m saying however, that I’msure she did what she thought was necessary to protect Taylor’s career andimage (aka to keep her safely closeted.)

I’m also not saying Taylor literally stopped pickingup or started ignoring her publicist, I think what the “stopped pickin’up-line” means is that perhaps she stopped listening, or at least she stoppedletting what was said get to her.

The song as she mentions was written to let “you” knowwhy it is that she stopped listening.

I don’t think“you” is the publicist, I actually think that “you” here is a more general you,as in all of the people who tried to get Taylor to understand that homophobiais just a given part of the music industry.

This is the song where Taylor says she’ll keep goingalong with their games, at least for the time being, but she’s had enough ofthe self-hatred.

As young gay people I think we’re all familiar withhow being constantly surrounded by homophobia, be it from our parents,classmates, or just society in general (or you know, a conservative musicindustry) keeps us from truly accepting ourselves.

We may very well be aware that we’re gay, but we don’thave to like it, we can wish it away and hate ourselves for feeling what we’refeeling. (Chely Wright’s Wish Me Away,anyone?)

Dear John isthe turning point for Taylor, she decides that no matter what anyone else saysand the fact that she has to stay in the closet, she can still love herself andbe okay with who she is, at least within herself. Just because she’s goingalong with the bearding and the heteronormativity doesn’t mean she has toapprove of it, she doesn’t need to hate herself just because it seems everyoneelse does. Somehow there’s strength in that heartbreak, I think.

–

Dear John, I see it all now that you’re gone.

Don’t you think I was too young

To be messed with?

–

As the chorus comes around Taylor addresses her owninternalized homophobia (who she’s apparently named John, perhaps becausesociety expects her to conform to their heteronormativity and end up with aJohn, a generic cishet boy) for the first time.

Now that her internalized homophobia/“John” is goneand she’s realized she doesn’t have hate herself she’s starting to see howfucked up it was that she ever did in the first place.

Many on thissite have discussed the fact that a pre-fame Taylor didn’t seem scared ofappearing gay, but it seems sometime after her mainstream recognition there wasa shift and she started fearing her gay side.

The heteronormative, homophobic values within theindustry truly messed with her, as she chose to word it. She went from out andproud to closeted and terrified.

She brings her age into the conversation, asking ifshe wasn’t too young to be messed with?

It seems that Taylor is as livid as me when it comesto the prospect of society teaching kids to internalize homophobia andself-hatred.

She wasn’t brought up that way (x) but she came tolearn that she was supposed to be ashamed of who she was as soon as she wastold by the people in the industry, the very people who were supposed to lookout for her that she had to sing about boys and “not act gay” if she everwanted to get on the radio or reach mainstream success.

–

The girl in the dress

Cried the whole way home, I should’ve known.–

The “girl-in-the-dress-line” is interesting to me andperhaps it is the line that resonates most with me in this entire song.

As someone who’s all too familiar with being forced toact feminine and wear dresses and being guilty of constantly policing their ownbody language as to not “act too gay” or “too un-feminine” I can say that I seemuch of myself in that person who wants to rip their pretty dress to shreds,but just ends up crying about it when no one can see instead.

Why? Well, making a public statement and refusing towear the dress would mean taking a step out from the shadow of thatinternalized self-hatred.

Admittedly though, I struggle with dysphoria which I’massuming (or rather hoping since I wouldn’t wish it on anyone) Taylor hasn’t. Despitethis I would say that being uncomfortable in dresses and “not being yourtypical princess” (to borrow a phrase from Taylor) isn’t limited to those of uswho aren’t actually girls, there are girls and women who aren’t comfortablewith being feminine or with wearing stereotypically feminine clothes (“she wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts”)and I’ve previously spoken of how I suspect Taylor to be one of them. (x)

Obviously I can’t know that for sure, but I feel thatperhaps Taylor is a lot less feminine than she publicly lets on and that’swhere this dress-line comes in.

With its beer and its cowboy hats and manly men Iwould assume that in addition to being at least implicitly homophobic thecountry music scene is also fairly dependent on gender roles, meaning that forsomeone like Taylor that means dresses and boys and makeup galore.

In my analysis of NewRomantics I mentioned that attending some event with a boy she barely knewand a pretty dress must’ve felt incredibly alienating at times to a young starwho’s just started understanding the perceived necessity of bearding andheteronormativity in this industry. So alienating in fact that I wouldn’t blameher for shedding a few tears from time to time, “mascara tears in the bathroom”as well as tears on the way home in a pretty dress she didn’t want to wear.

The dress couldalso be a metaphor of course, one to describe the heteronormative role she’dbeen forced into with all the bearding and femininity. A metaphor that’s saying“the girl you made look so pretty on the outside felt so ugly and ashamed onthe inside” the girl in the pretty dress that appeared to have it all couldn’t bringherself to be truly happy. (Lucky One, anyone?)

Lastly she’s saying she should’ve known this would bethe outcome of entering the industry, she should’ve known it had been naive tothink she could continue to be her authentic self while also being mainstreamfamous.

–

Well maybe it’s me

And my blind optimism to blame

Or maybe it’s you and your sick need

To give love then take it away

–

Whose fault is it, then, that poor Taylor is somiserable?

Well, she suggests, maybe it’s her own for being sonaively optimistic and thinking that staying closeted wouldn’t feel like a bigdeal as long as she got to work with music. Or maybe it’s the industry’s faultfor adoring and praising her as long as she followed their set of rules, buttaking that love away the moment she started to break the rules, not to mentionthreatening to take the fame away entirely should she ever dare come out. It’ssick says Taylor, how two-faced these so-called “fans” and “supporters” are andI wholeheartedly agree!

–

And you’ll add my name to your long list of traitorswho don’t understand

And I’ll look back in regret how I ignored when theysaid,

“Run as fast as you can.”

–

We’ve talked about “gender traitors” before, a termthat shows up in Margaret Atwood’s TheHandmaid’s Tale from 1985 (as well as the excellent 2017 HBO series) aswell as in a bunch of feminist course lit I’m familiar with, to describe homosexualsand primarily homosexual women.

I know Taylor likes classical literature, but I can’tbe sure if she’s read that one, although I hope so since it’s brilliant!

Anyway, regardless of her reading habits I don’t thinkthe term is what Taylor’s referring to here. I think she’s simply saying theindustry will blacklist her. Put her on a list of traitors to the industry whoaren’t committed to upholding the order and the rules and doesn’t understandwhy it’s necessary to keep the environment so conservative and unaccepting.

In other words,were she to ever come out the country music community would freeze her out.This seems to be a real fear among those in the closet in Nashville and Chely Wright spoke about it at length. (x)

Someone seems to have warned Taylor not to getinvolved with the bearding and the systematic closeting. Maybe it was hermother or someone else who saw the potential dangers of internalized hatredsuch a process would create within such a young girl and thus advised Taylor torefuse to conform and run far away from that homophobic nonsense before shelost her sense of self.

Taylor of course, didn’t listen she was too busyreaching for the dream of music she’d always wanted and now that she’s olderand wiser she of course regrets letting the closeting process be the price shepaid for it all, but she was young and thought the adults who told her to goback in the closet knew what was best. Now of course, she wished she would’verun and taken steps to be an out artist from the start, instead of going usualroute of forced closeting and aggressive hetero marketing.

–

 (Chorus)

–

Dear John, I see it all now it was wrong

Don’t you think nineteen’s too young

To be played by your dark, twisted games?

When I loved you so, I should’ve known.

–

At one point in time Taylor obviously had a real andvery strong love for country music (and given the fact that she still occasionallyghost-writes a country hit or two I’d say she still does) but here she addresses“John” who now seems to be the country music industry itself and says shethinks she was too young to be dragged into the systematic homophobia thatlives rampant within that industry. She loved the music so much, she loved thepeople and the aesthetic, but the dark side of the industry in Nashville was anunfair price to pay for that love Taylor reasons. Don’t forget that Dear John was on Speak Now the album that came before Red which in turn was the first album where Taylor definitelystarted leaning more towards pop music. 

She’s said that Red wasn’t “sonically cohesive” and there seems to be a reasonfor that, Red wanted to be pop, butTaylor didn’t yet dare to fully take the leap that’d later come with 1989 and leave country behind, so Red became a mixture of Taylor’s desireto break free from country music and her very strong love for it, a toxicrelationship indeed, with the country music industry.

Nonetheless I think Dear John was Tay’s breakup song for country music, Red was the first step towards leavingthat industry behind and Dear John waswhen she first decided it was time to do so and shake off (sorry I couldn’t resist) that homophobic environment.

–

You are an expert at “Sorry”

And keeping lines blurry

Never impressed by me acing your tests

–

She laments some more about the rules and the peoplewithin the country music “machine” (as Wright refers to it) she says they’revery good at not personally being homophobic, it’s like when someone says “Ihave nothing against you gays, BUT”  the industry at large and perhaps mostlythe people within it who work close to Taylor claim that they wish things couldbe different, but that the homophobic structure in the music industry is necessaryto uphold it or whatever. They’re basically experts at making excuses for whyhomophobia is so deeply ingrained in Nashville and country communities ingeneral. They keep the lines blurry between claiming they’re keeping Taylorcloseted to protect her from the homophobia exuded by fans and parts of themusic industry and by doing it because they themselves are blatantly homophobicand scared Taylor will stop making them money if she comes out.

It’s the sortof situation where you think “Are they doing this to protect me or to protectthemselves?”    

Taylor plays her role perfectly, she has everyoneconvinced she’s as straight as they come and yet Team Taylor don’t seem happy,they have more hoops for her to jump through and more strategies with which tokeep her locked in the closet and they never seem 100% happy with Taylor’s “StraightPerformance (aka her “Acing their tests”)

–

All the girls that you’ve run dry have tired lifelesseyes

Cause you’ve burned them out

–

Then she goes on to mention other people who are inthe closet and work in country music, or in Hollywood, people (and here,specifically other women) whose closeting processes are so far along that theyhave just accepted they’ll never be able to come out and live as their trueselves. Girls who have accepted this is just their lives now.

The girls who go into lavender marriages and just dealwith it, no one being able to spot just how dead they are behind the eyes,except for a young, fellow gay who’s terrified she’ll end up like them. End uplike the women the entertainment industry  has already ran dry and ensnared in their PR gamesto the point where they see no way out, girls who are so closeted they’ll taketheir truths to their graves.

–

But I took your matches

Before fire could catch me

So don’t look now

I’m shining like fireworks

Over your sad empty town

–

It might be too late for those girls, Taylor pointsout, but not for me, not yet. By writing this song she’s taking the firsttentative step towards stopping her own closeting process. She won’t let theindustry dampen her passion for music or her will to be herself, she’s stoppedthem now, or at least she’s going to, they’re going to witness her succeed evenwhile breaking out of that tightly locked closet. She’ll shine like (colorful… 🌈🌈) fireworks over the sad reality that is homophobia and bearding.

–

(Chorus)

–

 I see it all now that you’re gone

Don’t you think I was too young

To be messed with?

The girl in the dress

Wrote you a song, you should’ve known.

–

Now that she’s decided to slowly but surely leave itbehind she can see how messed up systematic closeting is, especially when doneto someone so young and hopeful as herself.

 The girl they dressed up andfeminized, hetero-proofed™ against her will when she was still too young toknow any better wrote them all a song about how messed up they are.

They should’ve known she wasn’t like the others and wouldn’tlet herself be trapped and limited, go Taylor!! 🌈🌈🌈

–

So perhaps the way I wrotethat didn’t frame the song in so much a coming-out-narrative as an it’s-okay-to-want-to-come-out-narrativeand it’s okay to take tiny steps towards that goal while simultaneouslyflipping off everyone who want to stop you. 🌈

Hope you alllike that idea of this song. 😊

I can’t promiseanything, but I’m hopefully back now as my essay is due next Friday, whereupon Ishall have more time to hang out here and talk to you guys and do analysis regularlyagain! (Hopefully every Sunday)

I’ve really missed itas well as all of you, so if you guys have requests for songs to be analyzed inthe future or just questions for me about Kaylor, Gaylor or anything else, myaskbox is open! 😊

Next song to be analyzedaccording to my list is Fearless! 💃🌈

[lena-in-a-red-dress]

Thank you for tagging me, @randomramblingsbymyself

Rules: Tag 9 people with excellent taste

Colour(s) I’m Currently Wearing: grey pajamas, and a red blanket

Last Band I saw live: Fallout Boy at Jingleball last year. But my fave performance that night was Kesha.

Last song I listened to: Hallelujah by Lindsey Stirling. It’s on my list of potential skating songs. It’ll probably get rotated out soon, because I don’t think I’ll ever have the chance to do a Christmas themed program. But I do like the sound of it.

Chapstick or Lipstick: Both! My lips are continuously chapped because of the time I spend on the ice, and I’m constantly losing/forgetting my chapsticks everywhere, so I have a chapstick for every area of my life. Work, home, purse, and skate bag. I used to stay away from strong lip colors because I’m incredibly fair-skinned and they always seemed to stick out too much, but lately I’ve taken a leaf out of Miss Katie McGrath’s book and just started owning it. She’s right-- reds do look fabulous. 

Last Movie I watched: Jurassic World 2. What an absolute waste. I mean, I didn’t exactly have high hopes for it after the first one, but somehow I managed to come out of it feeling absolutely nothing. At least the last one I had some rage to work with.

Last 3 tv shows I watched: I’m going to assume that re-watches don’t count, since I tend to go back to the same favorites over and over again when I have the rare hour to kill. So if we’re talking new content, then...

1) Queer Eye. I cannot express how much love I have for these men and the positivity they’re putting out into the world. Now I just need a team of lesbians to come make me over and get me a girlfriend.

2) Camelot. I’ve been renting the discs from Netflix and I have to say it’s somehow worse than Merlin in terms of enjoyment. I mean, the story is a little stronger, but it’s just kind of boring? And I love Eva Green, but her turn as Morgan just lacks the nuance I expected. I don’t really know her motivation, and I’m not convinced she does either. Plus it’s hard for me to sympathize with someone who doesn’t have any genuine moments to speak of. Morgana was entirely genuine, even in her darkest moments, but Morgan is all performative subversion. I can officially say I prefer Katie McGrath’s interpretation to Eva Green’s.

3) Supergirl. This is actually the only show I watch live. Ever. Everything else is Netflix or disc.

Last YouTube Video I watched:  I think it was either a Moves in the Field Instructional video, or else that one video of a hummingbird trying to drink out of a man’s orange hunting cap (which I showed to my dad recently, because he freaking loves hummingbirds). 

3 Characters I Identify With:  

Okay, this one is tricky, because as a gay girl I never knew if I latched onto characters as a kid because I identified with her or because she was pretty. Even as an adult that line is mighty hazy. But I’ll do my best...

1) Maggie Sawyer. And not in a good way. How she initially reacted to Alex’s coming out and date invite felt really similar to how my first relationship ended, and I absolutely hated her because in this close resemblance, I was the Maggie, not the Alex. It was like holding up a mirror and I just wanted to scratch her eyes out for it. But in the end, that part of S2 prompted me to cllear the air with my ex and now we’re still good friends, so it ended up being a healing experience.

2) Keladry of Mindelan, from Tamora Pierce’s Tortall universe. Keladry was a girl out to prove herself, and went after her goals with single-minded purpose. That spoke to me in a deep way, as someone who gravitated to male-dominated environments where I felt constantly tested. And you know what? She showed every single one of her naysayers wrong, so the joke’s on them (and mine too).

3) Lena Luthor. This is one that really blurs the line between identification and infatuation. Beause on the surface, Lena and I have nothing in common. I’m not rich, I don’t run a company, and I’m not particularly smart. Clever, maybe, but the smarts got fried on my second heat stroke. Honestly the fair skin and dark hair is the closest overt similarity we share. Maybe I could count the work ethic and the tendency to jump into new things with both feet before I ever stop to think about the consequences. 

And yet the draw I feel towards her is more powerful than any other character on the show... including Alex during her gay awakening. 

I think part of it is that my understanding of Lena’s character has been significantly enhanced by fandom, and the stories that explore all the nasty things about myself that I see hints of onscreen. Her relationship with Lex, possible anxiety/depression... that sort of thing is something I accept about her, and as a result I accept it in myself. 

Books I’m Currently Reading:  I have been about a quarter of the way through The Lies of Locke Lamora for about 6 months, and I have no idea when I’ll ever get back to it. I want to, because it’s good, but with books like that I like to have time set aside so I can read in big chunks, and that’s simply a thing I don’t often have. Even fanfiction is hit or miss these days. Between two jobs and skating, it’s come down to an issue of “if I have time to read, I have time to write” and writing often takes precedence. 

I have an entire bookshelf of books to read though. They run the gamut in terms of genre, but are all equal in their status of “maybe next time.”

Tagging: @nerdyfancupcake, @flowellch, @missmisanthropic, @morallyconflictedcharacters, and any others who want to join in! It’s free to play.

[whichcouldmeanothing]

notes: all the things she said

Table of Contents

Inspiration & Overview

Things this fic includes

Chapter Summaries

‘I thought this was about Buzzfeed!’

Anxiety

The Bold Type

“All the Things She Said”

“Moving Parts” and One Stone

Socialist Flower Power: Soviet Hippie Culture

Fashion References

Anxiety (spoilers)

“Moving Parts” (spoilers)

Read all the things she said here!

Inspiration & Overview

My philosophy about media and art and comedy is that everything is a product of everything that came before it, so I could literally list every Trixya fic I've read as inspiration for this. I do subconsciously pull elements from other people's stories, but I think everyone does. Consciously and unconsciously, this combined a whole bunch of things: wanting Katya to be the one with a dude who doesn’t know she’s gay, wanting Katya to be a nerd about Russian gymnasts, listening to One Stone on repeat, The Bold Type, my own struggles with anxiety and sexuality. I also sort of see this as a love letter to myself about listening to your body, connecting with the people around you, and not settling.

I’m just going to say it: this is not that good. I don’t know anything about L.A.. But it has a beginning (which I love) a middle and an end, three (3) whole smut scenes, jokes, gay shit, the works. If I was writing a novel to be published, I would make the themes and structure so much more consistent and yada yada yada… I love writing and a lot of this was hard to write but it’s also been very rewarding. So thank you for reading it!

Things this fic includes

(some elements of real life & some fun fanfic things)

Digital news outlet Everything.com (because i am what? creative)

Bob the music column editor

Alyssa Edwards and Blair St. Clair

Brianna Cracker liking baseball

Minimal Violet Chachki and Pearl, mentions of them together

Mentions of Kim Chi the beauty vlogger

Editor in chief RuPaul

Mentions of Ross Matthews the sports writer

'honey' unironically being Trixie's go-to pet name

Gratuitous explanations of things that aren't that important to the plot, just because I write like I'm transcribing a movie and I'm obsessed with operations & how things work

Katya's love for Russian gymnasts and studying video in college

Trixie's music, country music, current music likes, hippie fashion sense

Thorough depictions of anxiety and panic attacks

Throwaway original characters

Chapter Summaries

I wanted the chapter titles to be a line of dialogue that Trixie says when the chapter is written from Katya’s POV, and vice versa, to reflect the idea of “all the things she said,” but I couldn’t get some of them short enough to make sense. So I gave up and stuck them in the chapter summaries.

‘I thought this was about Buzzfeed!’

I did describe this as a 'Buzzfeed AU' occasionally without thinking too much about how people would interpret that. They're all writers for a digital news site—think less ‘Unsolved’ and more The Bold Type. If you want Trixie and Katya goofing off on camera UNHhhh style, there might be something in the works. The mores kudos and comments you leave, the more I write :) And that’s not a challenge! Just psychology!

Anxiety

I am going to try and warn you against romanticizing the role of anxiety in this story. I put a similar warning on my other fic ‘Soldier’ and people still missed the point, but here goes nothing. This is NOT a story about how a declaration of love cures someone's anxiety, and I did my best to depict that. This is a story about a romance, and how one person's journey with an anxiety disorder affects and is affected by that romance.

The only other thing i’ll say about anxiety here is that it manifests in a way that people perhaps don’t usually associate with anxiety, but it makes sense to me, and I’ve tried to show how it works.

This section is continued with more detail below, but it does contain spoilers for the plot.

The Bold Type

I love this show! It’s about people who work at magazines and digital news outlets, so I took a lot of the operations of Everything.com from that.

“All the Things She Said”

“Ya Soshla S Uma” (or “All the Things She Said” in English) is a song by Russian pop duo t.A.T.u. about a gay awakening. The music video features the two women of the duo, who have never been in a relationship together and are not gay, dressed in schoolgirl uniforms and making out. The song has been released in Russian and English. You can see Katya recreate the video here and lipsync to it solo here (both with the Russian lyrics). Here is the English lyric video (that I used to jam to in 2012).

When I wanted to write Katya not knowing she was gay, I liked the idea of her obsessing over things that friendly neighbourhood lesbian Trixie Mattel said to her. All the things [Trixie] said, running through [Katya’s] head, as the song says. I ran with it.

“Moving Parts” and One Stone

I absolutely love “Moving Parts” and the idea behind it. Trixie presents it in a karmic way, that good and bad things literally move in and out of our lives. I think there are many real-life experiences that could be explained by this idea. I also believe it in more of a psychological sense that has to do with perception. I think we will always perceive good and bad, no matter how good our lives gets. We will always find something to complain about.

This section is continued with more detail below, but it does contain spoilers for the plot.

“Soldier”: I love this song. While writing the later chapters, I had to skip this song when it came on shuffle because I kept getting distracted by my emotions. This song is used in this fic, in exactly the way you would expect it to be used.

“Red Side of the Moon”: I love this song, and how similar the lyrics are to “Soldier” 👀 Anyways, I talk about Dolly Parton and Judy Ogle in the fic, only because I listened to this song and wanted to know what it was about.

Socialist Flower Power: Soviet Hippie Culture

This is a real exhibit at a real museum in LA right now. I described it as true to the real thing as I could. I think it works.

Fashion References

You probably know the outfits I’m referring to, but here they are anyways, in order of appearance. I literally spent two hours just looking at Trixie’s instagram for fun, and then another two hours trying to find these links for no reason at all, and I regret all of that equally. It was also so worth it.

Katya’s hair (atomic bland / this)

long-sleeved jumpsuit in a purple 70s print, with a matching strip of fabric

red dress, a knee-length corduroy thing with long sleeves (not exactly what I dreamed up in my mind, but close)

short, yellow and pink paisley print dress with poofy sleeves that gathered in elastics at her wrists

four large pink flowers crowned her brow

white shirt wrinkled underneath sleek black dress...thick-soled combat boots

short, silk dress with long sleeves and peplums in a soft blush (my absolute favourite trixie look now) (it’s actually a shirt that she wears the pink pencil skirt under but my dream is that it’s a slim dress with like 4 peplums)

flowy blouse and pencil skirt

short dress in a busy red flower print

short-sleeved white cotton “dress”: i literally can’t find what I mean but you know how trixie wears just nightgowns all the time

NYE Party: Katya Alyssa Brianna (1) (2) Bob RuPaul Trixie (below, just easier to upload this one) (there are spoilers below this picture!)

Anxiety (spoilers)

I am going to try and warn you against romanticizing the role of anxiety in this story. I put a similar warning on my other fic ‘Soldier’ and people still missed the point, but here goes nothing. This is NOT a story about how a declaration of love cures someone's anxiety, and I did my best to depict that. This is a story about a romance, and how one person's journey with an anxiety disorder affects and is affected by that romance. The romance ultimately sees a happy ending because Katya eventually treats and manages her anxiety, made possible through medication, psychiatrists, immense personal effort on Katya's part, and ongoing support from Katya's friends and loved ones, including Trixie, her parents, her work friends, etc.

“Moving Parts” (spoilers)

I absolutely love “Moving Parts” and the idea behind it. Trixie presents it in a karmic way, that good and bad things literally move in and out of our lives. I have deliberately employed this in a very literal sense in this story. When Katya realizes she’s falling in love with Trixie and attempts to pursue a relationship with her, her anxiety begins to negatively and drastically affect her everyday life. This is a major part of the plot because I want story to explicitly reflect the song, NOT because I want to conflate suffering with being bisexual/being gay/falling in love with a woman. On that note, I have personally experienced a lot of anxiety trying to figure out and navigate my sexuality and gender.